Taking it…

I don’t know why we couldn’t have just been friends all these past months, nor do I know why I had to classify us in to that group, as that’s what we were anyways.  Friends that didn’t have sex or sexual contact,  but I know that not having sex and wanting to was driving me nuts, not doing the D/s thing was also getting to me and hurting my soul.  It was a frustration that I’ve never felt before.  When I was married, in my sexless marriage though it was frustrating it wasn’t like this, which was more of needing a release and not like this was with J, and it had gone way past craving.  This was more of wanting and needing to connect with him, this way, in a way we’d always been able to connect, we may not have had much else at times but that sexual physical connection I thought we had and always would, we had it for 8 years.  Perhaps that’s what happened he lost that for me; though when he said he didn’t and that he loved to have sex with me it was really hard to hear!  On one hand I was so glad to know that but on the other all I wanted to do was scream out “Well Here I AM!! TAKE me Now!!”  But I didn’t.  I was afraid of the rejection, and deep down I knew he wouldn’t.

I do know of the complexities of what was going on in his life but this was torture to me.  More than once during the last couple of months when he was over watching movies did I have to get up to go to the bathroom to pretend to pee when really I was drying my eyes and trying to get a hold of myself enough to come back out and really look like things were normal, and concentrate on the movie we had watched or were going to watch next.

I just wanted the torture to end, the teasing to stop, and so it has, I no longer have that feeling of going out of my mind with aguish for not being touched, spanked or used.  It’s more of a sadness that I’ve lost a good friend.  I never thought I’d say this but really not being used has got to be the worst feeling ever.  Funny how when I first started this I was afraid of being used, even made a comment to lc about it and laughingly she told me that’s the whole point of being a sub.. hehehe I’m sure she even rolled her eyes at me for being such a silly girl.  I hadn’t gotten it yet, the idea of what a sub is and how she lives her life.  So now I’ve got it, I understand but now what.  What do I do with this knowledge?  I guess I wait,  everyone tells me that there are plenty of Dom’s out there that would love to have my gift and even a few Dom’s have said that to me.  But for now I think I’ll just stay away from a D/s relationship but work on becoming friends first with some of these men that are vying for my attention.  Taking it slow and cautiously will work for me….

Thinking Positive!

Ok enough is enough, I’m going to start to make this Blog of mine just one of positive thoughts, I see how one negative thought leads to another and then another then it spirals.  I’ve known this but for some reason I sometimes forget. I’ve been blessed with thinking good thoughts and being grateful for all that I have and good has always come my way, I’m one of those blessed people. I don’t assume that this my dedication in again to positive thought will change the past few weeks but I will try to make things work. Going forward things will change and get better. In reading the following and writing it here I hope to keep all this in mind.

“We are sending out thoughts of greater or less intensity all the time,

and we are reaping the results of such thoughts.  Not only do our

thought-waves influence ourselves and others but they have a drawing

power – they attract to us the thoughts of others, things, circumstances,

people, ‘luck,’ in accord with the character of the thought uppermost in

our minds.”

William Walker Atkinson (1862 – 1932)

Life is mirroring back to me what I am holding inside me inside my heart.  So in changing my thoughts it will change my life.

Missing

This is not the first posting since I hit the 2000 hits on my blog but it is the First that I’ve published.  I’ve writing so much and had so many jumbled thoughts and feelings that for the first time in a long time I just couldn’t get it right or out on paper.  The last 4 post never made it to being published so that you could see them, and I think that’s for the best.

 

Now that I’m away on holiday with family and Friends and having a fun time my mind is at ease.  Sitting in front of the Christmas tree with a pen and paper on one hand and some hot tea on the other, my thoughts are clearing and falling into place.  

 

I’m really excited that I hit the 2000 mark on hits for my Blog, it’s hard for me to believe that it’s been viewed that many times.  I thank each and every one of you for continuing to come back to read about me and to check to see how I’m coming along.  

 

So with that I’ll tell you that on the job front things aren’t any better, my job is still going away by the end of September. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan’s Character in the movie  ”You’ve Got Mail!” Where’s she is loosing her Business (her Job) and can’t do anything to stop it.  Like her I’m trying hard not to take it personally, it’s due to business need.  It’s this economy, I keep telling my self but that doesn’t really change things.  It makes me sad because it’s about my life, health, comfort and little bit of self worth is in there too.  So I’m trying, trying to look for another job within the same company and trying to go on and continue to do my job while I keep the planning of my other options going, plans B, C, D & F.  Plan A is already come and gone. 

 

I’ve had the realization that sometime when you try and control the out come of a situation that the more you try the more it slips away because sometimes that’s the way its supposed to go, like it or not, accepting it or not.  

 

With that said, it’s no wonder that things went the way they did with J.  The more I wanted, desired him as my Dom the more he slipped away.  Yeah he’s been going through some things too, but I know I didn’t help matters.  It was so hard to try and step back to see the whole picture. Of course I still desire him and want him as my Dom and I think I always will, maybe it’s the being firs thing, but Want doesn’t equal Get.  It may seem like to you that I don’t talk or see him but I do at least once a week.  We’ve gone to being friends again for now and I’m ok with that since I’ve always enjoyed his company and I’m comfortable with him.  

 

Since this is the eve of New Years Eve, I’m a bit reflective on the past year.  They say you should be able to tell where you are going by where you’ve been, but I’m not sure about that just yet. Guess time will tell, but this posting is a summary of how things went for me in regards to what this blog is about and that’s just what I had at the top of my page about “My Journey to becoming a sub”.

 

This past year didn’t turn out at all like I thought it should or to what I expected.  In my journey to becoming a sub it wasn’t at all like some of the stories, profiles or blogs that I read.  My expectations didn’t mirror anyone else nor did my feelings, and as it turns out I wasn’t anyone sub nor did I ever have a Dom.  I did agree to a contract of sorts, be it through email, that too quickly fell to the way side.  My training and the Mentorship of my subness faded.  I’ve recently doubted my ability to be a sub, I’ve wondered do I have any of the traits?  Was I a bad sub?  Perhaps the sorting hat put me in the wrong category. He’s told me that I’m for sure a sub I still wonder.  

 

I’m still so curious, I have so many questions still, maybe even more than before now that I have a little more of a clue than when I first started.  My natural instinct is to ask him but I hold back, A LOT!  Some times I feel like a 2 year old asking too many questions. I don’t want to bug him or bring up things that he’s not ready to deal with on the subject or with me.  So much so that I’ve put my profile back on the CM site and have expressed my need for knowledge.  I’ve gotten all positive and open responses to being open to answer questions that I may have.  I’ve told him about me reactivating my profile on there.  I don’t ever want for him to feel pressured by me thought I probably have done that to some extent in the past as well.  I’m really trying to hold back.  That’s the appropriate behavior of a sub after all.  

 

I have to keep it together, because if I were to let go in addition to all my questions, I’d also be attacking him sexually when he’s over at my house.  He has no idea of the thoughts I’ve had gazing at the top of his head while he’s in my arms resting his head on my breast while we watch a movie or two together.  I’ve had to keep my hand and arms from diving into his shirts.  I’ve missed things that are going on in the movie we’re watching because of my wondering mind and holding back my wondering hands.  I keep telling my self that reaching and grabbing and wanting like I do is not appropriate behavior for a sub even if she’s a slut sub.  That pretty much stops me, that and the thought of him firmly removing my hands from inside his shirt and off his naked chest.  I couldn’t handle that rejection, so I try again to focus on the movie and calm my desires to touching his skin and to be happy and content that he’s resting comfortably in my arms.

 

Though my experiences this last year weren’t what I expected, I still appreciate him being in my life, for who he is, what he’s given me but mostly what we’ve shared. He’s opened my eyes and my heart when both were closed for too long.  His understanding and patience are like no other and I thank him for introducing me to this lifestyle.  It’s enriched me and brought me down another path in the Road less traveled.  

 

I miss him dearly…

 

I miss him the Dom in him even when he’s with me.

I miss making him lunch

I miss most of all the thrill and excitement of him surprising me.

I miss his voice telling me why he’s spanking me

I miss feeling the skin of his thighs on the back of mine then feeling him get hard.

I miss him correcting me right away when I was bratty

I miss knowing that he could find anything he needed in the house to tie me up and to spank me with.

I miss him trying new things like when he tried fresh Ginger root on me and got my butt to wiggle.

I miss hearing unrecognizable screams coming from my own mouth

I miss him giving me tasks

I miss him reading my journal then writing in it to me.

I miss him texting me about everything and anything.

I miss him keeping track of the things I needed to be punished for even though I had it written in my journal.

I miss feeling vulnerable with him who I trust.

I miss him taking me.

I miss knowing that he wanted me.

 

Hope Everyone Has a Safe and Happy New Year!!!

I want a dog…

I know I was going to close down this site and I still will but I’ve been reading a book that has really seemed to help me put some things in perspective, and re-teaching me some things that I know but have forgotten.  I have here some paragraphs that are summarized from this book; maybe it will help you too.

Well the way you relate with a person will be exactly the way you relate with a Dog.  A dog is a dog.  It doesn’t matter what you do it’s going to be dog. You’re not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse: it is what it is.  Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important.  You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t.  You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact.  They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance.  You need to be completely honest with yourself…….. to say what you want and see if you are willing to dance or not.  You must understand this point, because it is very important.  When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.  The one who loves you loves you just the way you are.  Because if someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants.  Then why is she with you?    You know it’s easy to love your dog because your dog doesn’t have opinions about you.  The dog loves you unconditionally.  This is important.  Then if your partner loves you just the way you are, it’s just like the dog loves you.  You can be yourself with your partner:  you can be a man or you can be a woman just way the dog can be a dog with you.

When you meet a person, just after the “hello” he starts sending you information right away.  He can hardly wait to share his dream with you.  He opens himself even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it.  It’s is so easy for you to see every person just the way she is.  You don’t need to lie to yourself.  You can see what it is you are buying and you either want it or you don’t.  But you can’t blame the other person for being a Dog or a cat or a horse. If you want a cat why would you get a horse or a chicken?

You know the kind of man or woman that you want?  The one who makes your heart sing the one who is aligned with the way you are, the one who loves you just as you are.  Why set yourself up for something else?  Why not get what you want?  Why pretend to make someone fit what she is not?  It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It means you make a choice and say yes or no, because you love yourself also.  You make a choice, and you are responsible for your choices.  Then if your choices are not working well, you don’t blame yourself.  You simply make another choice.

But let’s imagine that you get a dog and you love cats.  You want your dog to behave like a cat, and you try to change the dog because it never says, “Meow.”  What are you doing with a dog?  Get a cat!  This is the only way to begin a great relationship.  First you have to know what you want, how you want it, when you want it.  You have to know exactly what the needs of your body are, what the needs of your mind are and what fits well with you.

There are millions of men and woman, and each one is unique.  Some will make a good match for you and some won’t make a good match at all.  You can love everyone:  but to deal with a person on an everyday basis, you will need someone more closely aligned to you.  That person doesn’t need to be exactly like you:  the two of you only need to be like a key in the lock— a match that works.  You need to be honest with yourself, and honest with everyone else.  Project what you feel you really are, and don’t pretend to be what you are not.  It’s as if you are in a market: you are going to sell yourself, and you are also going to buy.  In order to buy, you want to see the quality of what you are going to get.  But in order to sell, you need to show others what you are.  It isn’t about being better or worse than someone else: it’s about being what you are.

Don’t invent in people what is not there.  This is the message.  If you know what you want, you will find it is just like your relationship with your dog, but better.

See what is in front of you:  Don’t be blind or pretend to see what is not there.  Don’t deny what you see just to get the merchandise when that merchandise will not fit your needs.  When you buy something you don’t need it ends up in the garage.  It’s the same in a relationship.  Of course it can take years for us to learn this painful lesion, but this is a good beginning.  If you make a good beginning, the rest is going to be easier because you can be yourself.

It goes on to say much more but this part is the part I needed to read/hear, as I start anew, with open mind and heart.  There are so many possibilities; I’m excited to start a new life with changes at work and in my personal life.  I hope this helps others as well.

In Closing…..

I’m sorry for having to turn off my blog.

I almost made it to 2000 hits before deleting it  

I know I’ve lost most my readers but I’ve closed this blog because I was asked to turn it off for a period of time.  In thinking about it, I realize that after being asked to do that, that the reason to have the blog is gone and pointless as my journey was a short one just less than a year, so much has changed.   I’ll start up a new one soon, it won’t be the same and that might be a good thing, time will tell.   If you would still like to read what I have to say please make a comment to this post and I’ll respond to it, to your email with the new link.

Thanks for reading,

Glow

Quod me nutrit me destruit ~~What nourishes me destroys me

Uncertainty

Some times a person finds their life is being turned on the Wheel of future, being on this wheel is different then being on the Fork in the Road, that path is one you pick, right  or wrong it’s your choice which gives you a sense that you  had control over the outcome .  This is where I’m at now, on the wheel not the fork in regards to work.  There is a large effort to cut heads in our department and move some of us to another that’s lacking, more of a rebalancing than cutting for now. I didn’t have to  but I went for it, I don’t know if I’ll get picked up or  not but at least I went for it.  If I get it it is a more secure job, more technical and I’m totally not qualified for it,  though I’m not afraid of it and I do think I can do the job.  I’m concerned with what happens if I don’t get picked, do I get forced into another job that I don’t want nor would like to try, do I wait  and go another year into a thankless job, or get laid off with the way the economy is going the future is uncertain either way.  I am centered and I’m in the center of this wheel, wich means I’ll hardly move at all and I will go with, and be fine with what comes my way, but I can not help but to be anxious about what’s going on.  Change I love, uncertainty of this change that may happen I do not.

Now I thought I was doing a good job of controling my stress but my feelings of uncertainty are coming out in my behavior and words that I’m having with J.  My uncertainty about my job and future has entered in to my relationship with J, and I can’t seam to help it as hard as I try.  A few days ago I tried not to jump to conclusions; I know he hates assumptions so I thought I’d ask him some open and blunt questions.  He didn’t like them, well the way I phrased it and my impatientness got him instantly angry with me, though I tried to explain it just made things worse like it most always dose.  I wish I had never asked him.  I was feeling bad because he told me about the fetish ball he was going to with a friend; he told me he was taking off work for it when I asked about the night it was scheduled for.  It hurt my feelings because I had asked him to a vanilla party the same night and he told me he had to work, but the thing that got to me the most was when I reminded him about asking him to that party, he said that was already planned before, but he forgot that he started his sentence off with “I was just asked to go to the fetish ball but I’m not sure I even want to go”   But he must want to go because he’s taking off work for it, and he hardly takes off from work at all. Now I ask you is this an assumption or an educated guess due to the information I have that he’s really wanting to go?   If a person doesn’t want to go then just don’t go.  I’m trying hard not to take it personally, I hate it when I get sensitive about things like that, that in the end don’t really matter.

Earlier online when I was asking him questions he asked if I’d been approached as in by other men and going out and that he was free to see who he wanted as I was.  I know this about him but this was such a change from a few weeks earlier when he seemed to have gotten testy with me for talking with and going on a date with another man, and talking with and making plans to meet this one Dom. He asked me what it was I wanted and I told him again that I just wanted him, and then he told me that I wasn’t acting like I did, he was right, so I stopped chatting with the Dom and stopped making plans to date the other man.  I’m just confused about that, as I’m getting mixed messages, or perhaps things are changing that much.  It was a drastic change in attitude; this is what got to me, and kind of got me sad as well.  Am I misunderstanding that this is a sign that he can care less what I do?  Or that this is one in the many hints that I’m not his, not his sub,  or not anyone that he would want to keep for himself even if it was wrong to do so.  Well that’s why I asked him, I asked for clarification, in this time of uncertainty about my job, I just want some things to be clear in my personal life.

I always seek to understand that’s why I always ask so many questions not just to him but to others and all my friends.  I truly want to know even if it hurts or isn’t what I want to hear.  J isn’t the only one I ask for clairifcation from,  the last time I asked for some serious clarification, was from K, aka Blonde.  J never  did ask me about that lunch after I told him that K was married and that I wouldn’t see him socially since he was married.  After hearing that he was married I decided to ask K him myself.  So I asked him if he was married when we were having lunch together, it was right before he was secheduled to go on sabbatical, he was very honest and said yes which I knew as I had found out, but that day K also told me that they were going to separate and see how that would help them work through their problems, or that it might just show them that they needed to be legally separated. I don’t know what happened as K went on a Sabbatical for a few months and has been gone from work and I have not found out what’s going on but I did wish him the best on what ever happens.  Strange thing is now that this is happening with my job; the Area that I’m trying to get into is the same area where K works now or will when he gets back from sabbatical.  I started out in this same area years ago so that’s the reason I want to go back I know the job, the tools, process and people. I just need to be updated by learning the new stuff.  I am wondering now if I get that job I’m going for if it’s one that I’ll be taking over for K as he moves on to  his out of state assignment.  I suppose that  all things are in motion for change for me, job, work, home and perhaps relationships too. Though I’m concerned about my job and the work I do, I’m wondering more about my relationship with J.   I’m going to be open and positive about it all, I’ll have to see where that marker on the wheel lands after all life should be an adventure! :-)

Some Favorites

I’m enjoying J’s company so very much, I love spending time with him.  I’m smiling in thinking of some of my Favorite things that he does. I love it when he show’s me the many ways to protect my self, these are really some cool tips and moves that are the best because 1. whey work, 2 he’s an expert teacher and 3 he’s so go gentle with me in showing me how , on me, yet I can tell how truly effective they can be. He knows these things because of his work or his past jobs; I have so much respect for what he does for a living, and a sense of pride that I know him.

Another thing I love is reclining on the couch with him as we watch movies, his reclining between my legs resting his head on my chest and my arms are laying on top of his shoulders and chest.  I just love the way his chess feels and looks..  It was his chest,-Pecks that got to me, that made my heart jump with desire back when I first met him, I met on the internet and he sent me a few of his pictures. He’s just so yummy.. :-)   It’s so comfortable watching movies this way, plus if there is a scary or intense part in the movie I have him in my arms to grab on to.

My most Favorite thing that he’s started to do is to Bite my neck and shoulders.  It sends shivers up and down my body, he seems to know exactly where on my neck, on that erroneous spot is., he doesn’t know this but two times I’ve almost cum with the intensity if his bite, I get dizzy and grab him to hold on, because going from zero to 100 that fast uummm  Zaps me.  LOL that’s the only work I can think of, it’s not draining but electrifying so Zaps me is the correct description.  He must know what it’s doing to me because of the way I hold on to him, the feeling is to in credible.  The wave is passion is just as if he was in me. After he leaves I check it the mirror to see if any of his bites are showing any marks of redness, teeth or bruising.  Though they are sore the next day, he’s good at it because no mark is left and I’m a little disappointed at that.  I know he’s never liked leaving hickie type marks and normally I don’t like them either but I find my self waning to be marked from his bites, to be able to look at it on my chest or to know it’s there, where others can’t see it but I could with just lifting my hair or moving my collar a little.  I don’t seem to hold marks from my spankings very long, I once though, he was diligent on one spot, one cheek, it was nicely red with a little purple around it where some bruising occurred. :)   Mostly I just get reddish pink cheeks and of course they are really sore to sit own on. Defiantly effective in reminding me of what I did wrong, and a help in keeping me focused.

Messing Up

I just posted  but that post was from a few weeks ago and so something has come up very recently  that I felt I had to write about it.  Sometimes things happened in our lives that we have no control over, learning how to deal with them, or appropriately react to them is difficult and sometimes we don’t always say what we really mean, or say it in a way that is understood, I’m guilty of that.

I’ve known him so long he’s my friend, so I wonder why he thinks. I’d be happy that he’s broken up with her, why would I get joy out of his sadness? Why would I want that for someone I love, for my friend. I know how much he cared for her and how hard it was to make that break and the reasons for it. I don’t understand why he thinks I’d get joy from it…It hurts me when I know he’s hurting or has been hurt. It affects me when things aren’t going well with his other relationships be it another female or his work. It bothers me that I can’t do anything about it; he’s my friend but right now I can’t listen to him he doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t talk to him because he takes what I say wrong, he’s upset with me now, and I don’t believe there is anything I can do or say that will take his anger and hurt away. I know better than to go into the bears den when he’s hibernating. There’s nothing I can do about it, but do as he ask and leave him alone and hope when he’s ready that he’ll talk with me again.

Surprises

I’ve mentioned this before, but lately he’s been trying to do surprise visits where he comes into the my house sneaking in to surprise me and show me that he’s made it in with out me knowing.  I love the adrenalin rise I get when he reveals him self.  Recently he came in, I heard him come in and I told him so, but he didn’t come into where I was, to where my voice was.  So then I went to go look for him, I went to the front door, peeked out the door and noticed that his truck was out front but I knew I heard him come in so I went upstairs checking the spare bedrooms first then my room and hahah then my closet.  He wasn’t there… hummmm then I go back down stairs and look in the bathroom then I think he’s must be hiding in the garage.  So I look and still no sign of him.  I walk back into the Dining area then peek around the corner into the kitchen and there he is… I smile so big, I’m so happy to see him and to find him.  He looks so sexy leaning against the counter with this Dom/sexy satisfied grin on his face because he know he’s gotten me again, even though I heard him come in.  I give him a welcome kiss and ask Houdini where he was, when I went looking for him.  Turns out he went straight to the bathroom and was hiding there as I by passed looking into the bathroom going straight to look out the front door then upstairs.   Yes I made the assumption that he was going to hide in or around my bedroom.  One of these days I’m going to have to see how I can get him, at least predict his next surprise.  Soooo cleaver and sneaky is he. 

One time he came over, I didn’t expect him as it was late in the afternoon and he had IMed me that he couldn’t chat that he had to leave, and again I made the assumption that he was leaving for work so he could get to it on time.  So I was sitting in front of the computer when I hear the front door open and I turn and look up to see him walking in.  (Now he had told me that I was in trouble, I had been bad and I had been mouthy and had a bit of a bratty attitude.)  I was so surprised to see him, I started to laugh and giggle as it tickled me soooo much, that he surprised me once again, but I soon realized that I was in real trouble, the thought ran through my mind from the rules statement that “Punishment will follow swiftly and severely”

The firmness in his voice and the look in his eyes and the fact that he brought his black bag, told me that this was going to be a difficult visit to take.  Still sitting in my computer chair with a big grin on my face he told me to stand as he pulled me from my chair by my hands, he walked me to the couch a few steps away an turned me around.  He then pulled my top off over the top of my head. Unhooked my bra and pulled it off, then unbuttoned my pants and pulled them and my panties down hard and swift.  I thought to step out of them but by his tone I knew I’d get whacked good because I didn’t ask so I just left them there puddled around my ankles.  It bothered me and made me feel more naked and more vulnerable but I had to let it go quick because I needed all my focus and attention to.. *Whack* ooouch it stung he started spanking me with the strap then he changed it.  He kept spanking me really hard with the tolerable lashes few and far between. Changing his toys of torture frequently some were ones I hate and others help me get a grip on the pain as they were more tolerable.  He told me that I was forgetting things, the rules and protocol. And I agreed and said I was out of practice, he said it didn’t matter that I should know them.  Then it stopped, and I looked back to see why and he caught me and came and moved toward me to and gave me a few more whack to remind me not to look back. He told me “Who told you, you could look back?”  Weeping I told him “no one”.  I was already so weepy and wasn’t handling the pain well, when he surprised me with the next thing.  He had me stand up from being bent over the couch and he came up behind and with his body close to mine he started to pinch and twist my nipples hard!  I was begging him to please not too.  Then he had me bend over slightly and then I felt it. It was a clip and I bend my head down so that I could see and then I thought I’d best not to I had been told to keep my eyes shut, but I knew that the clips he was using were mine from my kitchen, he was using them on me, and I started to cry and I said I wasn’t ready for those and he said in his most Domely voice “Well it’s not about what you want is it?”  I didn’t answer and so he spanked me hard and said “IS IT?”  And I replied “no Sir” and she said “What?”  Then I said in a much louder voice “NO Sir”.  They hurt so very much, more than a few times while they were on me I felt that I was loosing control of the pain.  It was so hard to stay focused.  I had to stay on top of the pain.  What surprised me was that I was more hurt inside and a little sad and disappointed that I had displeased him so much that I was bad enough for him to think he had to use the clips on me.  I couldn’t help the tears not matter how I tried to hold them back they didn’t stop until when he was trying to make me cum, I couldn’t for a while, because of the clips they still hurt a lot.  I wasn’t even coming close then suddenly I did, it was a short little peak and then it was over he thought I came close as he pulled away his hand because he was doing organism control on me.  I told him later that I had cum a little one hehehe he told me that I was a bad girl when I asked why he said because I wasn’t supposed to cum at all with out permission. Oops he’s right I did forget.  When he was done giving me my punishment he stood behind me close as he removed the clip on my left nipple and he rubbed it bring the feeling back into it, it hurt more than when he put it on but he continued to rub it and it felt good, he did the next one the same way he pulled me close to him and feeling his strength behind me with his arms around me felt really good.

This was probably the second hardest session to take, and though we talked for a while after wards I found it hard to focus on his words and not slip into flashing back to the session.  I was still in that surprised state that he was even there.  When he left I thought how I love his surprises!

The Last couple of months…

In thinking about him and our relationship for the past 8 years there is one thing that I just love about him and that is he keeps things fresh and new. I enjoy it when he try’s new things and that, him wanting to try new things takes a little bit of planning, some times more than a little bit.  Now I’m the type of person that LOVES change, I have the perfect job for it and I work for a company that is in constant change, it’s a company that thrives and grows because of change.  I love variety in my life, I love to travel and in all places I’ve been to I can truly imagine my self living there, I guess I have this in born idea that home is where you hang you’re hat.  I get along with most all people, because I like to see the many perspectives people have for there own lives.  I’ve always liked trying new things, be it tasting different foods, going different places and of things sexual.  Though I do have some hard limits to what I will try, I think we all do and should.  I’m pretty curious so this trying new thing’s goes along with that.  I know I always have a lot of questions, I always hold back in asking them all, so as not to be a pest.  I just want to know so I ask.  I know that when I die, I have a whole list of thing to ask God, LOL and yes in case you’re wondering I will be seeing God! So you see the things that he likes to try and do I find so very exciting.  I try to be open as I know and he’s told me, my only limits are those that I put on my self because I think I can not do them.

In the past couple of months since before my last post, we’ve gotten together mostly every week.  It’s been such a complete joy being with him.  I realized early on after the last split that I want him in my life always.  Whether or not that will happen I do not know but I’ll see him as long as I can.  I know that some think that I am compromising myself but I’m not, I’m not married nor is he, neither of us is living with anyone but ourselves, and basically we are two single people that have a great time together but who also see others.  He gives me what I need and I hope I do the same for him.  Our relationship isn’t perfect but I don’t know of one that is. I love being with him and I enjoy his company immensely, he makes me laugh.  I like how our relationship has progressed and how much I’ve learned about him, what I’ve learned about me by what he’s taught me.  What we have isn’t conventional but it works for now, though I know things may change I try not to think about what hasn’t happened yet I just know that I love that he’s in my life and I hope that won’t change anytime soon.

Sometimes he’ll ask me what I will do if I find another, as in if I get serious with someone that will not want me to date others.  This question baffles me because I know I don’t want to ever stop seeing him and I’ve told him this, but maybe there are a few things that would make me stop seeing him.  I wonder  about this, because every time I date someone new or start to get to know someone; I know I open the door for the possibility for things to change with him.  I wonder is this tempting fate or is it just letting things progress to what they should be.  I’m not the cheating type, never have been, not that I judge others for doing that, I know that we all have to do what’s right for our own lives, and I totally  can understand most all reasons people do that, consensual or not.  It’s something that I’ve contemplated with his question to me. I’m not sure what I’d do now.  I’ve never felt this way about anyone, so its, hard to answer since I don’t have someone else in my life right now but it’s something I’ve considered, and maybe wondered about. Though I see others off and on it’s becoming more and more clearer that maybe finding another to fill the time when he’s not with me isn’t going to happen.  My lists of o’l standbys have one thing or another which makes them not a good fit for me.  I’ve been asking the question to myself “What’s the point”  If what I get from him makes me happy, that I find joy in being with him and though our relationship is unconventional I know I don’t have to explain it to anyone, I think most in this lifestyle don’t.  Yeah, I miss going out, but I don’t drink anymore so don’t miss that, but I do like to dance but, is finding someone only to fulfill my need to dance and maybe attend a party or two with someone worth it?  I’m not sure I want someone new to impose things on me, like who I can see, or for them to always be my date, or even maybe to forbid me from seeing others.  I’m not sure that’s what I want.  I met this one man that wanted what I thought I wanted.  He wanted to have a committed D/s relationship, he wanted marriage, and he wanted me to quit my job to be with him 24/7.   I just couldn’t do it; I couldn’t give up my job. It’s not the most perfect job but it’s my security, even though he told me he’d pay me my same wage, I just couldn’t, it was all happening too fast and that old saying that if you listen to your heart it tells you what you should do.  So I wished him luck on his search and hoped that he found what he was looking for. For this situation in the end I had the image of me out of breath with my back to the door that’s closed tight, it being too close of a close call.  With this I learned that I’m not the instant sub wife type… I also found out that K, aka Blonde is married, and that was a disappointment, but it also made me feel good that I still have my connections in other departments at work that will find these things out for me and that truly care about me and my wellbeing. I’m blessed for the many friends I have and that are watching my back. So there have been about a half dozen that I have made an attempt to get together with but there always seems to be a block, but mostly it’s been made clearly obvious to me that they are not for me, totally my choice not to date them.  So for now I will not go out and pursue someone, but if it happens, if someone finds me, comes into or back into my life then I’ll give it a try, why not.. LOL  But until that happens, I’ll enjoy the time I have with J, and continue with my training as long as we can.