M in the 80’s

One day I was driving home, I can’t even tell you where I had been but there I as on this old familiar 2 lane road… when suddenly out of now where… this crazy guy on the opposite side of the road honks his horn over and over, and then speeds up, just to do a fast U-turn and come up behind me honking. Well I thought I have to get out of the way, they changed their mind on there direction, they must be crazy stoned!! So I pull over a bit and slow down (just incase it was an under cover cop, yep that area some times has those LOL) they pulled up beside me and honked again and motioned to pull over and stop, he didn’t look like a cop but the windows were tinted dark.. .. I thought ”Oh Crap what did I do, Who is this?” So I pulled over off the road, locked the door and rolled down the window about an inch. You know someone that crazy just might want to do bodily harm to me. The man got out of the SUV and walked over to my door.. I then turned my head forward and he was talking to me. I didn’t see who it was, I was looking straight ahead because I thought it was someone I shouldn’t make eye contact with… then he leaned in close to my window and I turned and looked into his eyes… Ohhh my God it was M. My mouth dropped open.  Then as fast as I could I unlocked the door and he opened it as quickly as he could and I jumped out and we hugged…he pressed me against my car, hugging and holding me as tight as he could and I was doing the same. I kept saying “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s you” and asking him how he was and not waiting for an answer before I asked another questions. He was doing the same with me. Telling me how much he had thought of me I had tears rolling down my face… you see I absolutely never thought I’d ever see him again…. And there he was right there in my arms. We stared at each others faces and looking to see what had changed in 5 years… We started to talk but then it was odd because here we were having this big reunion almost in the middle of the road. So we drove to the local strip mall and sat and talked. In that time after I had graduated from HS, I had gone off to collage for a few years, got engaged, quit school and then got unengaged. Came back home and then got started to work, first it was the Radio station, and then I went into the food service business. He had gone off into the service, came back home and then meet a woman and got a job with the county and worked under her father. I was sad that he was married, that meant there’d be no chance for me, he was disappointed in telling me. I couldn’t believe he was there with me and holding my hand… we decide that it was late I don’t remember how much time had passed but it had been a long while. I got out of the car to get some fresh air and hug him good bye. We had already talked about keeping in contact, that we couldn’t lose track of each other ever again, no matter what. Then he said good bye for now, we hugged tight and then looked at each others faces and then our eyes met… He kissed me softly at first then so naturally it turned into a passionate, kiss, just like he used to, and I kissed him back just like I used to. After a little bit he pulled away and looked at me in the eyes again and told me, “ That’s what I thought, and hoped” I looked down, I new I was in so much trouble, he knew me so well, still after all these years he could read me like a book. He held me close and whispered in my ear that we weren’t done, and that he wasn’t going to lose me again. I looked him in the eye and told him that we couldn’t, and we shouldn’t. He told me not to worry that he needed to talk with me and explain things, and for the first time ever, he begged me, he begged for me to let him call me. I told him I’d listen, so I wrote down my number as best I could with shacking hands… We kissed again and then as he pulled away he bit my shoulder and growled in that sexy tone he has. It made me smile. He went away and I did too, I went straight to my best friend’s house and told her that I’d seen him and most of what happened… She had no idea how what just transpired had gotten to me, but she got it after while, she made me a drink and we talked a little bit, I couldn’t and wouldn’t tell her everything.. I just couldn’t get it out of my mouth. I think I was in shock. Then I thought “This is why I always had that feeling of not being done, because we’re not.” I’m not going to go into details of what happened, but note I wasn’t proud of myself, but at the same time I could not help myself, I had no control. I had thought of him so much and as it turns out he of me. It was at this time that I found out that it was CH and MH that had threatened him and told him that I was too young. He had never told me that was why he drifted.

In the time that he and I spent together I found out that his wife had cheated before on him during there first year of marriage, with in the first few months and that he had been very distraught over it there marriage hadn’t been the same and I think it had happened again in there 2^nd year, angry at her, so much that he had thought of leaving when she shows up pregnant, I believe he had to find out if it was his or not but it was his. It was her way of trying to save the marriage. Then they had a son, little m. Each time he came over to my place, I felt that he was ruining what we had. What we had was now feeling cheap. Some times he’d just come over and bring his son. He was so cute and I loved seeing him, but it also hurt, because little m wasn’t ours. Everything had a double edged sward to it. With the good there was bad, mostly him being married. I never ever asked him to leave his wife, too afraid that he would and I didn’t want to be the cause of it. I didn’t want to be the one that forced him to do what he wanted. So I broke it off with him, it was one of hardest things I’ve ever done. I begged him not to contact me again, to do that for me. He agreed, He was out of my life but still in my heart, and I still had the feeling that we weren’t done, that knowing was still there, but I tried to convince myself that it was wishful thinking.

Well life goes on and not quite 6 months later I met my future husband A. We met and I knew right away that it was him that I’d marry him and he knew it of me. We were engaged 3 months after we had meet and were going to get married in a year when we moved up the date to 8 months due to my job assignment. It was exciting and I was finishing up all the wedding plans. I remember being home and off from work due to it being the week of the wedding. When my Mom calls out to me, (I had moved back in with my folks to save money for the wedding) She came whispering, it’s a M, (by the way Mom NEVER met M, I had kept him a secret from her all during our time in HS and of course the during the affair) Though she knew there was an important M in my life and in my past she really didn’t have know idea how I felt about him. She whispered that he had called a few times before but it wasn’t proper since I was engaged and told him that she’d let me know that he’d call. She hadn’t. I did the rolling of the eyes to her and said “MOM”. She was interfering, trying to control things, and that’s just the reason I never told her about him in the first place! She would have done the same now but he was really insistent and talked her into letting me know that he was calling for me. I took a deep breath and I said “ok, I can talk to him”; she gave me that look, the one eyebrow up and one down look. I shrugged it off; it doesn’t work on me anymore. So I ran to her bedroom and picked up the phone, my heart was pounding; I was scared to tell him about the wedding. Her bedroom it was the quietest, as we already had company in from out of state and out of the country, to attend the wedding. The wedding was in 4 days. I picked up the phone and said “Hello” and he started to talk once we heard the click of the phone on my Mom’s end. I don’t know how he knew about the wedding but he did, not sure if it was from my Mom, or the news paper on our engagement or word of mouth but he knew and I could tell it by his voice and by what he said that he was trying to be happy for me, when he dropped the ball and told me that he’d always love me and I told him that I knew he had, he didn’t have to say it. I began to cry, the emotions and memories just came flowing. I could hear the strain in his voice as well, then the tears, my tears just started to flow and they wouldn’t stop. M continued to talk to me, and then he asked me if he could ask me for one last thing and through my tears I asked him what it was that he wanted to ask me. He told me that he needed to see me one more time… and he asked if I would meet him… I couldn’t talk but I started to shake my head no… then I told him no, that I couldn’t do that, that I just couldn’t…. he continued to ask, and I continued to say no and was telling him “Please don’t ask that of me”, then he started to plead with me,. and the more he pleaded to me the more I cried… but I wouldn’t tell him yes, and I couldn’t tell him why but he new it… it went that way for about another 5 to 10 minutes, until I heard my Mom call out to me. I believe that at one point my Dad had opened the door then closed it as he didn’t know I was the on the phone, I’m sure he mentioned it to my mom what was going on in the room… And that’s why she called out. I told him “I’m sorry I can’t meet you M”. He’d say why not, and then he promised that he wouldn’t touch me. I told him that “I just can’t, but you know right?” He ask me if I was pregnant, and I paused thinking how could he ask that, I said “No” and shrugged it off, I wouldn’t do that and that wasn’t the reason I was getting married. Maybe he thought that because he never thought I’d marry anyone but him. He pleaded with me again and then said he knew. He knew that I’d always love him, I told him that I had to go now and then I hung up and went to my room to try and get composer. My Mom came in to see if every thing was alright, and I told her it was and smiled. I bucked it up, dried my tears and stuffed down what had just happened and didn’t think about it again. I was getting married to a wonderful man that loved me and I was happy. I smiled and thought to myself… besides M, we’re not done; maybe we’ll meet up in some old folk’s home… Yes that knowing feeling, that we weren’t done, was still there…. On a side note, I have no idea why M wanted to meet me, I was truly afraid of him stopping the wedding, of crashing it. (Parts of the movie “The Graduate” flashed through my head), I was also afraid of how once I saw him that I couldn’t resist him and I didn’t want to be that kind of a person, or start out my marriage that way with a secret. I didn’t even want to be tempted with a kiss. I was also afraid that he might ask me to go to the wedding. There is no way in hell I could have had him there, but I don’t think that was it… Mostly I was afraid that he’d want me to run away with him. I couldn’t do that either, I was committed, and it was to A, my future husband, and I told my self that I’d never cheat on him, not even with M. Though I did have an affair with a married man, with M, I my self am loyal and I know how to be faithful if I’m in a committed relationship. I also believe that I’ve paid dearly for having that affair. It’s something that I don’t ever want to do again and I haven’t though I’ve come close, and I have been tempted. I do know why people have affairs and I totally understand. Not all marriages are what they are cracked up to be. Just for me it’s something I can’t do again.