That’s How I Know
This past week I had dinner with a good friend of mine from work. We look totally different but we are sooooo much alike. There are days when we come in wearing similar cloths and colors, it’s really weird. Well we were our having our once a month .25 Cent wings at the local bar hang out when, she asked me about how things were going with my social life. I told her what happened (minus the whole poly, BDSM part) just the basics, I told her about driving to coast and how I felt about J how I just couldn’t take things the way they were and I felt I had to get out, that I couldn’t stop this feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin just change how I was feeling, and as I was talking she stopped me and said “What are you doing girl? Who are you kidding, you love him.” I do but I never told her.. matter of fact I would deny it to anyone that would ask. I looked at her and was going to deny it again and then she put her hand up and said “No! Let me say something. “You are going through something here, and I know about it, because I went through the same thing too. Then she said “You’re having a Mid life crisis girlie” and she laughed, as she saw the puzzled expression on my face. I started asking her questions, one right after another and just as fast she was answering them. Then she told me the major thing she did when she went through hers. She told me that she had left her love “N” and took off with this man that was in love with her too and she got married. :-0 I was shocked and asked her to tell me more about what happened. Well it was a long story took all through dinner to tell me but the basics are that it was bad, the marriage only lasted 3 months and then she moved out. She was able to get back with N , he told her he new she wasn’t happy and that he’d forgive her for everything just she needed to get back with him. They worked on trust and forgiveness and it’s worked, I would have never known that, that happened in there relationship. She proceeded to tell me because of what’s going on with layoffs at work, how they are treating me, my Mom getting sick, the accident I was in and some of the past BF’s that have contacted me and giving me doubt, well that my stress level is way out of whack! I told her that if there had been a bridge that went to Hawaii that I would have kept driving. She was nodding her head as I continued to tell her how I felt and then she asked me how I felt about J and she gave me that look that meant I had to tell the truth, just as I was going to give my normal spill that were good friends with bennies and I then laughed I gave it up, the truth and told her that I loved him and that I always had and still did want him in my life, even if it was just as friends, and then I told her that he didn’t love me and probably hated me at this point. I told her that I was really scared. She replied with “YOU HAVE TOO! You have to do what ever it takes, because I don’t want to see you make the same mistake, letting this go and trying to hook up with someone else, you know you have to follow your gut! You don’t want any regrets for not having tried; at least if you tried you know you tried! I nodded and she said one more thing as we hugged and started to walk away “8 years is a long time to know someone these days, at least try and stay friends, I smiled at her and waved good bye.
It’s funny how some friends are so good at reading you and yet others wouldn’t notice or if they did they wouldn’t bother to call you on it. So since then I’ve been trying, trying to be a better person. It doesn’t excuse me but I’ve tried to explain to J why I did it, why I thought the way I did, and why what’s going on in my life is making things difficult for me.., and that I was influenced by people other than him and that I shouldn’t have listened to them. But mostly I’ve been trying to tell him how I feel about him, before I lose the opportunity all together.
This is what I told him on IM after he told me that it makes him scared to what I’d do next.
There are men that now know I’m not with you or seeing you and they are coming on strong but still I put them off.. I’m only showing online to you.. and I know that’s my choice but I can’t help that.. I’m NOT ready to move on and I don’t want another probably for a long time..
I’ve never done anything that would make you think I would act out crazy.. I’ve never tired to contact T, I’ve even avoided her and all that drama, I’ve never drove by your house or staked you, I’ve never tried to control who you sleep with or have sex with or love. I haven’t done those things because to me they are not what love is about..
You loved A so I wanted to love her too, even though I thought she’d hurt you I wanted for you what you wanted to have… I wanted to see you happy…
I have ALWAYS tied to be accepting of things.. and to be opened minded… I’ve tried to do what you told me to do with the exception that happened with T. I didn’t want any part of that.. but mostly I’ve just tired to show you that I love you…
To me.. love is a one way road going out… it’s nice if it comes back but it’s nicer to give it, it’s a gift to that person you love…
So I’m sorry if you are scared of what I might do.. but don’t judge my love against the people that you have loved.. I’m not them..
So it is up to you if you want to accept my love or not.. it doesn’t matter to me it will be there for you anyways and always. Whether you see me or you don’t, I’ll always want the best life you can have for you and I always hope you’re happy and living in joy…
I was so surprised how easy the thoughts in my heart went to my fingers and I was able to express them in words just as I felt them. He responded with a lighthearted comment that lightened the conversation considerably with humor and wit, I laughed and smiled because that’s another thing I love about him, he knows just when to turn a serous mood around to fun and laughter. It brought hope to my heart. Though there were things that I didn’t write that I wanted too, some of those were things that I’ve told him before about him and why it is that I care so much for him. How I don’t and wouldn’t ever want to change him, to make him accepted in my life as I’ve seen others try to do. I don’t know what’s going to happened next, it may very well be nothing, and I’m so scared not knowing.
He once asked me how I knew I loved him and I couldn’t answer him, I know the reasons why and I’ve told him, but the why I know is harder to express and when I tried the words wouldn’t come out…how do I describe this feeling? I just know I have it. Recently, about a month ago I had to buy a power strip for my new TV and he met me at the local electronics store to help me pick one out. I was looking at them and watching out for him.. Checking the door, I wanted to see him first, we were in public and I wanting to control being surprised by him, lol he surprised me, I don’t know how I didn’t see him come in but he came around to where I was and when I saw him my heart skipped a beat then raced faster and I smiled at the same time. I got flustered and tried to say something right away so that he wouldn’t see it, so that he won’t see my body’s reaction to me seeing him. He started to talk to me and well I know I wasn’t paying attention, I’ve done this before, it’s not due to lack of attention or that I don’t listen, but it’s because I get engrossed in listening to him and watching him that what he’s actually saying is going right past me. Sometimes I’ll respond as in trying to have a normal conversation, a few times he’s told me that I’m not listing…its like those that drive while talking on there cell, very few can do it, talk and drive at the same time with out it affecting there driving, most go too slow and some are careless. When I see him it’s like that for me, it’s hard for me to separate it or concentrate when I first see him and when I get a response from him like a smile, a look or a touch then it just sends me over the edge…. That’s how I know..
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