Taking it…

I don’t know why we couldn’t have just been friends all these past months, nor do I know why I had to classify us in to that group, as that’s what we were anyways.  Friends that didn’t have sex or sexual contact,  but I know that not having sex and wanting to was driving me nuts, not doing the D/s thing was also getting to me and hurting my soul.  It was a frustration that I’ve never felt before.  When I was married, in my sexless marriage though it was frustrating it wasn’t like this, which was more of needing a release and not like this was with J, and it had gone way past craving.  This was more of wanting and needing to connect with him, this way, in a way we’d always been able to connect, we may not have had much else at times but that sexual physical connection I thought we had and always would, we had it for 8 years.  Perhaps that’s what happened he lost that for me; though when he said he didn’t and that he loved to have sex with me it was really hard to hear!  On one hand I was so glad to know that but on the other all I wanted to do was scream out “Well Here I AM!! TAKE me Now!!”  But I didn’t.  I was afraid of the rejection, and deep down I knew he wouldn’t.

I do know of the complexities of what was going on in his life but this was torture to me.  More than once during the last couple of months when he was over watching movies did I have to get up to go to the bathroom to pretend to pee when really I was drying my eyes and trying to get a hold of myself enough to come back out and really look like things were normal, and concentrate on the movie we had watched or were going to watch next.

I just wanted the torture to end, the teasing to stop, and so it has, I no longer have that feeling of going out of my mind with aguish for not being touched, spanked or used.  It’s more of a sadness that I’ve lost a good friend.  I never thought I’d say this but really not being used has got to be the worst feeling ever.  Funny how when I first started this I was afraid of being used, even made a comment to lc about it and laughingly she told me that’s the whole point of being a sub.. hehehe I’m sure she even rolled her eyes at me for being such a silly girl.  I hadn’t gotten it yet, the idea of what a sub is and how she lives her life.  So now I’ve got it, I understand but now what.  What do I do with this knowledge?  I guess I wait,  everyone tells me that there are plenty of Dom’s out there that would love to have my gift and even a few Dom’s have said that to me.  But for now I think I’ll just stay away from a D/s relationship but work on becoming friends first with some of these men that are vying for my attention.  Taking it slow and cautiously will work for me….

~ by subglow on February 21, 2009.