Uncertainty

Some times a person finds their life is being turned on the Wheel of future, being on this wheel is different then being on the Fork in the Road, that path is one you pick, right  or wrong it’s your choice which gives you a sense that you  had control over the outcome .  This is where I’m at now, on the wheel not the fork in regards to work.  There is a large effort to cut heads in our department and move some of us to another that’s lacking, more of a rebalancing than cutting for now. I didn’t have to  but I went for it, I don’t know if I’ll get picked up or  not but at least I went for it.  If I get it it is a more secure job, more technical and I’m totally not qualified for it,  though I’m not afraid of it and I do think I can do the job.  I’m concerned with what happens if I don’t get picked, do I get forced into another job that I don’t want nor would like to try, do I wait  and go another year into a thankless job, or get laid off with the way the economy is going the future is uncertain either way.  I am centered and I’m in the center of this wheel, wich means I’ll hardly move at all and I will go with, and be fine with what comes my way, but I can not help but to be anxious about what’s going on.  Change I love, uncertainty of this change that may happen I do not.

Now I thought I was doing a good job of controling my stress but my feelings of uncertainty are coming out in my behavior and words that I’m having with J.  My uncertainty about my job and future has entered in to my relationship with J, and I can’t seam to help it as hard as I try.  A few days ago I tried not to jump to conclusions; I know he hates assumptions so I thought I’d ask him some open and blunt questions.  He didn’t like them, well the way I phrased it and my impatientness got him instantly angry with me, though I tried to explain it just made things worse like it most always dose.  I wish I had never asked him.  I was feeling bad because he told me about the fetish ball he was going to with a friend; he told me he was taking off work for it when I asked about the night it was scheduled for.  It hurt my feelings because I had asked him to a vanilla party the same night and he told me he had to work, but the thing that got to me the most was when I reminded him about asking him to that party, he said that was already planned before, but he forgot that he started his sentence off with “I was just asked to go to the fetish ball but I’m not sure I even want to go”   But he must want to go because he’s taking off work for it, and he hardly takes off from work at all. Now I ask you is this an assumption or an educated guess due to the information I have that he’s really wanting to go?   If a person doesn’t want to go then just don’t go.  I’m trying hard not to take it personally, I hate it when I get sensitive about things like that, that in the end don’t really matter.

Earlier online when I was asking him questions he asked if I’d been approached as in by other men and going out and that he was free to see who he wanted as I was.  I know this about him but this was such a change from a few weeks earlier when he seemed to have gotten testy with me for talking with and going on a date with another man, and talking with and making plans to meet this one Dom. He asked me what it was I wanted and I told him again that I just wanted him, and then he told me that I wasn’t acting like I did, he was right, so I stopped chatting with the Dom and stopped making plans to date the other man.  I’m just confused about that, as I’m getting mixed messages, or perhaps things are changing that much.  It was a drastic change in attitude; this is what got to me, and kind of got me sad as well.  Am I misunderstanding that this is a sign that he can care less what I do?  Or that this is one in the many hints that I’m not his, not his sub,  or not anyone that he would want to keep for himself even if it was wrong to do so.  Well that’s why I asked him, I asked for clarification, in this time of uncertainty about my job, I just want some things to be clear in my personal life.

I always seek to understand that’s why I always ask so many questions not just to him but to others and all my friends.  I truly want to know even if it hurts or isn’t what I want to hear.  J isn’t the only one I ask for clairifcation from,  the last time I asked for some serious clarification, was from K, aka Blonde.  J never  did ask me about that lunch after I told him that K was married and that I wouldn’t see him socially since he was married.  After hearing that he was married I decided to ask K him myself.  So I asked him if he was married when we were having lunch together, it was right before he was secheduled to go on sabbatical, he was very honest and said yes which I knew as I had found out, but that day K also told me that they were going to separate and see how that would help them work through their problems, or that it might just show them that they needed to be legally separated. I don’t know what happened as K went on a Sabbatical for a few months and has been gone from work and I have not found out what’s going on but I did wish him the best on what ever happens.  Strange thing is now that this is happening with my job; the Area that I’m trying to get into is the same area where K works now or will when he gets back from sabbatical.  I started out in this same area years ago so that’s the reason I want to go back I know the job, the tools, process and people. I just need to be updated by learning the new stuff.  I am wondering now if I get that job I’m going for if it’s one that I’ll be taking over for K as he moves on to  his out of state assignment.  I suppose that  all things are in motion for change for me, job, work, home and perhaps relationships too. Though I’m concerned about my job and the work I do, I’m wondering more about my relationship with J.   I’m going to be open and positive about it all, I’ll have to see where that marker on the wheel lands after all life should be an adventure! :-)

~ by subglow on October 7, 2008.