Sweet Ginger

I think that the past 3 times what he’s come over have been the funniest and some of the best sex we’ve had. Kind of like the last time he came over we were chatting on line using the web cam he got out of the picture but I knew he was still around, so I decided to leave the computer too, for water, & bathroom break, then when I saw he wasn’t back yet I decided to go outside to check on the level of the water on the pool, I was adding water.  I wrapped a towel around me because I had been naked in front of the computer ;-)    I checked I then decided to come back in and get some shock for it, I peeked at the computer and still no J.  hummm maybe he’s making dinner I thought then I went back out side walked to the back of the pool and added the shock as it mixed in I looked up to my room, .. hummm I left the light  on, I cam back in after stepping in to the water really quick.  Still wit h the large towel around me I went to the computer and still no J, I IMed him telling him that I was going to bed,  I got my water and shut the lights.  I checked the front door and it was unlocked… humm I thought I locked it, but then I thought I did go back out to the car so I must have locked it the first time I came in.  So then I locked it and headed up stairs to get ready for bed.  I hung my towel, and lay on the bed, but I got right back up again.  The Door thing and the light thing bothered me a little.   Could J come over?  Remembering the last time, I got right back out of bed and turned on the hall light and slowly walked to the guest room.  Cautiously I turned on the light and peeked into,  the then stepped in.  The room is small and the closets full, and I thought “Well if he’s here he’s no in the room so I slowly walked to the next room, flicking on the light and peeking in… lol I half expected to see him.  I then peeked in, doing the same  as before but, checking behind the bed on this one.  *Sigh*… ok no J.  Hummm  I even called out his name in case he’s in the hall bathroom.  No answer back, so satisfied that my paranoia is wrong I head back to my room, closing my door, I stop and think no no, I’ll leave it open just in case he comes over so that I can hear him come in and not be surprised.. yep I still need to oil the lock, it’s very loud when using the key, but this is to my advantage, even though he’s told me that I need to oil it I haven’t gone to pick some up.  I turned on the ceiling fan and turned off the light but turned on my night stand light on low.  I get my self comfy with my pillows and my position, half on my stomach and half on my side, in the middle of the bed. I began to relax taking several deep breaths with my eyes closed I began to drift off, several minutes later I’m nearly asleep. When suddenly I heard running like someone was running from the hall, I turned to look up to see as the sound was getting closer.  I realized that someone is running from my closets and I screamed it got closer and was in my dark bathroom, then I saw him I couldn’t stop screaming and I took a deep breath after he jumped on the bed and attacked me.. I had screamed, until I started to laugh.. it was him.. It all happened so fast… LOL I told him that he scared me and he had, just as he wanted too, I’m sure. I thought the house was secure, I was sure of it, I had checked it.. I thought, I should have looked out the window from the guest room. I never even thought to check my closet.  It’s a walk in closet and the door was open but I made an assumption that since nothing looked funny or out of place from my eye shot of what I could see from my bath room, that everything was safe.    LOL that will be the first place I’ll check next time…. ;-)   

After I calmed down he immediately motioned for me to get into position across my bed with wise.  I got a few swats, I’m not sure with what, maybe a belt I had near by and maybe his hand a few times.  He tied my hands with one of my scarf’s that I had in the closet he then wend down stairs, I think it was to get a wooden spatula to spank me with, he came back up after a bit and then tided my ankles to my bed using two of my belts. As I later found out.  I was told get on my knees and to stay there as he positioned my legs apart.  He parted my cheeks as if inspecting me, then he touched me and ran his fingers up and down my crack all the way down to my pussy lips, I remember thinking “thank goodness I shaved”.   He spanked me a few more times and it felt like the paint stick he had used on me before.  I was bracing my self for a hard spanking when I heard that familiar sound.  The sound of a Ziploc bag opening and I felt a little bit of a panic stir in me, my heart raced because I knew what it was.  I thought “this is really going to burn, I’m not sure I can take it” 

All the past week and a half he been talking about the ginger he had gotten and carved into a butt plug.  I could smell it as he pulled it out, I hadn’t thought that he’d use it on me since he intended it for someone else. . I had read up on it when he told me about it and my fear was, that I didn’t think I could take it by the stories that I’ve read.  I was afraid of the heat of the burn from it.  I braced my self and took deep breaths as he started to insert it in to me into my tender anus, it was going in so very slow since it wasn’t lubed, I knew he didn’t lube it on purpose because  the lube would block the ginger juice from making contact with my tender skin.  I slowly felt the warmth of it and didn’t think it was too bad, then when it was all the way in me I felt it get even warmer.. it was a warmth that  was uncomfortable but not unbearable because it was a warmth that wasn’t normally there and the place that it was made me focus on just that area.  I got a few more spankings then he pushed the ginger plug into me a little bit more to make sure it was secure.  With it in place, feeling the warmth of it I started to move my hips to distract my self from it. I don’t think it helped.  I remember thinking how odd that the ginger didn’t fall out, it being so warm and with me squirming my hips.  I felt very warm but was doable.  He was gone a for a little bit I was curious as to what he was doing, or looking for but I resisted the urge to call out to him, my curiosity gets the best of  me sometimes, but I new if I called out to him that I’d get it harder or more. When he came back he walked behind me and tapped my legs so that I’d place them even further apart.  He then touched my pussy, I thought he was playing with it until I felt something cold and wet on my clit, I felt like he had a disk of ginger but I later found out that it was a peel of ginger, he placed my lips back around my ginger covered clit.  It started to feel very warm then hot right off and I couldn’t believe that he was putting that there.  He then took out the ginger plug and I heard it drop to the carpet almost as soon as I felt my ass cheeks spread, I thought he was going to take my ass but then he started inserting another one, ahh this one was different, it had a strong smell and a much stronger sensation, it felt cold then it started to feel warm then very warm then it was hot.  I thought oh this must be freshly peeled ginger it was so much hotter than that first piece of ginger he used on me. The heat radiated out from my ass and pussy, I was moving and gyrating

It made me so horny, I wanted them out of me and him in me, my hips were moving and I couldn’t help it he came around and tripped of his cloths in front of me letting me see him, I was happy that I wasn’t blindfolded.  He brought his cock to me and stuck it in my face, I opened my mouth to take him hoping that I’d get him hard and honey quick so that he would enter me.  His cock came to my lips and I parted them to take him, I started to suck and lick and enjoy him in my mouth.  I tried to touch his thighs; I love the way they look and feel.  I took my time with him in my mouth he would spank me every now and then but I don’t really remember that too much as I was distracted with the ginger.  He would try to make me deep throat him and I’d try really hard to take all of him but I couldn’t do it to much more than a few seconds.  I did gag a few times even though I tried not to.  It’s hard when his head tickles the back of my throat. 

At times he’s would reach between my gyrating ass cheeks and he’s press the ginger up so that it would make a more solid contact with the ginger to my ass and it would instantly get hot and burn.  My hips were moving and gyrating, I couldn’t help it, the ginger was making me do it.  Thank goodness he didn’t ask me to hold still. All I could think was that I wanted the ginger out and him in me, I thought that his cock in me would bring relief to my hot butt or at least a different sensation. I was also afraid for him to do that because sometimes he’s just too big for me to take all the way up my ass.  I know it’s mostly me, I think about it too much and freak out so I tense up and I end up begging him not to go in all the way or to please go slower.  He did but then pulled out and his head and shoved it into my pussy,,, it felt so good in me. 

As it turned out when he was done with my mouth he slid his cock out of my mouth and walked around behind me and I was hopping he’s pull out the ginger but he didn’t, he then  shoved his cock into my now dripping wet pussy, it felt so good from him to be in me again.  I came as I had the though of him being in me again.  He felt so good and he feels so right in me.  I enjoyed him pounding away at me he stopped and then had me suck him again.  I got several spanks with a belt I think and for sure the big long paint stick that he got from the bucket down stairs.  Some how it hurt but I hardly remember it because of the ginger.  He did take the fresh ginger out and he started to enter me, he was so big I couldn’t take him all, it felt like it had been a long time but in reality it hadn’t been that long since our last time. I so wanted to take him all in me but I kept tensing up.  He pulled out and started to fuck me in my pussy, he shoved him self in me again and I came I kept coming and coming with every change of positioning, I getting so wet, when he changed positions again, he lifted my legs so that I was on my back and my legs made and L and rested on his chest, I don’t know what it is about this position but I cum like crazy, I began to gush each time I came and as I did he would pound me even harder and I’d gush again, I couldn’t believe how many times I was cumming and how many times I’d gushed.  I was soaking and so as that spot under me.  He pulled out of me and I thought he had cum but then he told me to role to my side, he tried to grab hold of my right ass cheek but I was so wet and slippery that it kept slipping from his hand, but that didn’t discourage him, he’d spread them and I could feel his eyes looking at my ass, he placed his finger then as to push in some of my natural lube, the then came closer to enter my ass, it was slippery and I he felt so good I came again,  I thought to my self that I wanted him all in me this time and as soon as I thought that he was all up in me. I was moaning and screaming out with pleasure as he made me cum again and again.  When he was done, I was spent, I couldn’t believe how I was feeling, I was exhausted from cumming so much, in the 2 hour time that we were in my bedroom I think it must have been over 40 or 50 times, I don’t think I’ve ever come that many times.  I was totally spent and all a glow.  We rested a bit and then when we recovered a little bit we talked a little too.  After he left I looked at my bed and removed the soaked sheets so that I could wash and let it dry out, I then saw how he had had my ankles tied to the bed.  Each belt was tired to the box spring handles and both were done a different way.  I left one on, below is a photo of it.  I love how he spontaneous and creative in how he ties me up. It’s always different, never done the same way that he’s done before.  After the sheets were off I lay on the bed to rest and to sleep, still breathing deeper than normal, I smiled because I could still smell the sweet ginger in the air, not a bad way to fall asleep.

Craving

I’ve read a little bit about craving.  J once asked me if I was craving after that extended break up.  I don’t know how he knew I was I didn’t even know the word for it until he said it then I knew, it fit what I was feeling, his timing was impeccable, I had been, it’s so strong, it’s like an addiction or a need to feed like how you’d see a vampire that needs to feed.  Now I am again craving, though this time I wonder where the line is in regards to D/s.  I’m trying to figure out how much of what I’m feeling is the craving, how much is fantasy and how much of it is memory or maybe flash backs.  I’m having many thoughts and fantasies, as well as those flash backs, I’ve been thinking of the things we’ve done and the things that I always wanted him to do.  I’m sure the reason is J, which I’m thinking about, it’s because he’s the only one I’ve ever known in the D/s life. Other than that brief time with R, I don’t know how other Dom’s would be with me.  Though I read other’s blog’s, it’s still not the same as it’s not my experience.  Deep down I think he knows what I’m feeling he always knew me so well…maybe he’s feeling the same.

 

One of the things with this craving that I’ve recently noticed is that I think of things, ordinary things in terms of BDSM… I was shopping the other day with my friend P, just a normal shopping for house hold items.  We were at a shop that had desks and desk stuff in the part where she was taking care of things she needed to order. By the way she knows nothing of this secret life of mine.  Well I was looking at the desk stuff, so as to hover closely so we could leave when she was done.  I spotted a giant cloth pin  hehehe..Yes, it peeked my interest and I picked it up and opened it by squeezing the bottoms closed and then let it close slowly on my finger to see what the intensity would be.. LOL yes the giant cloths pin was more intense then a regular cloths pin.  I might have done that even with out having been introduced to BDSM but the difference was that after I did it, I smiled and had the thought about J using it on me.  Then my thoughts went to one time when he asked me if I had any cloths pins.. I was sooo afraid of them being used on my nipples I told him that I wasn’t ready for them and that no I didn’t have any, he told me that it wasn’t up to me to say when I was ready.  So many times he walked right by them or even looked at them but didn’t notice them.  LOL I did have them but I used them for chip clips, I think I’d really get a good spanking for that as well as the pins if he had known, or maybe he saw them and was just being really patient with me, knowing that putting those on my nipples would really freak me out.   

 

Recently I bought some silicon basting brushes, it’s a set of 3, there was a red, blue and white color of each all have a nice stainless metal handle.  I opened the bubble plastic pack and once out I was surprised how soft they felt yet remained in there brush shape.  I then held one and slapped my palm with it to see how it would feel, I was surprised it didn’t hurt at all then I caressed the top of my hand with it, it felt more like a feather.. it felt good, and I wondered how they’d feel being using on me on my pussy….so I put them away quickly no need to get those thoughts going.  I’m guessing that most subs and Dom’s do that, they take ordinary objects and see if they would be good for play.  I know that the last time J was over I had a bucket of painting stuff near by and he grabbed a long thick paint stir stick that was in the bucket, it was the big stick for the big 5 gallon paint bucket and he used it on me, it hurt so good.  He did that often, he would picked out items to use on me and I liked it, it kept things new and so fresh, very creative, I never knew what he was going to use on me though I always hoped for the big heavy flogger.. lol it was my fav.  I used to like to text him sending him my guesses of what it was he used on me, a little guessing game. It was fun, and sometimes I was way off. 

 

There are other things that are stirring my thoughts, that are bring it out of me, but I won’t go into it as I’m not sure writing about this is helping me or hurting me.  In thinking of these everyday items when I come across them, I think it perpetuates the craving even more; it inspires thoughts and visions of how you’d be used with these objects. I went on Collar me tonight to look, thinking it would help; but most those men on there look pretty scary to me, it didn’t help.  I want to feel sub, to give of myself,  but I also want to feel safe and secure.  How do you stop these cravings?  I don’t know how to stop it.  Is there something subs do to help them deal with things until this feeling passes?  Does it pass?  You might ask “What have you tried so far?”  Well shopping, passing time with friends, going to movies and then more shopping, really all that is just a temporary fix to take your mind off things for the moment, and a keep busy type of action, but I can’t do those things at night and not all the time. REALLY, any ideas you have would be taken seriously and tried.  LOL

 

Little Rituals

What does a sub do when she wakes up and finds that what she’s been trying to do becoming a sub for her Dom, learning how to behave for him, trusting what he says and just wanting to please him is all a pointless?  Well I think she does the only thing she can do, she moves on!  Because of knowing him a long time, I thought I knew J, I didn’t not at all, I’ve found out more in the past few weeks that has upset me deep down, and now in the realization that I didn’t know who he was.  I had always known him to be of very good character. Not so much anymore….  I’ve lost all trust and when you lose that in a person you don’t have anything.  Then what does a person do…well not sure about anyone else but I have to do things to move on…I’m doing little rituals that help my brain tell my heart that it needs move on.  We all have them, some are little and some are more grand and expressive.  My rituals in trying to get over someone are small and not seen by anyone.  The first thing, I’ve brought the spare key in, taken apart the nipple jewelry and the dangly chains with his name, donated the old cloths that I was saving to be ripped off me in the woods, my special fetish gear that I got new and that he’s never seen on me has been boxed back up and put away and lastly the one thing seen by just on other, by him, was a nasty mean letter to him, thus insuring that he’ll never contact me again, I did this because I know how I am and I know in the future I may not be as strong so he will be because of this letter, and it’s ok if he hates me for it, it will insure that I never get another IM, Text message, phone call, email, he’ll never read my Blog again or even have the desire to see me again, that’s it’s purpose!  That’s usually what bridge burning is about. For what I need not to happen it will do the trick! 

I’m normally one that sees things as signs.  This past week has been weird, I’ve been seeing things that remind me of him every where, I don’t know why, it’s over.  I’ve see his truck or ones that look just like his, people that make expressions like him and a new man that joined our group has his same accent, and he’s from the same state as J and then on Sunday I went to my best friends son’s birthday.  There was this little boy there that I’ve seen a few times before that looks just like J but in miniature. I almost started to cry right there at the 5 year olds party.  I didn’t though, but I did look at him a lot. He was really cute a mini J and for a moment I wondered what it would have been like to have a cute son like him as well.  In watching him walk around and play, it came to me, that the last time I saw this little boy is when I sent an IM to J to see how he was, because of this little one that reminded me of J so much. We hadn’t talked in over a year when I did this, this IM is what started things up again.  I suddenly started feel so much better; the thought came into my heart that it’s gone full circle.  I started talking to him because of this little boy and now that it’s over I can finally see this little boy for who he is, friend of a friends little boy, a little one that was so happy to be at his friends birthday to play and have fun with his buddy and all the games they had for the kids.  His name is Nicolas; this will be the only name I list on this site.  He was at my feet when I was taking pictures of my friend’s son opening his presents.  I had a good time talking with friends, mingling with everyone again, but I left early, I had to get back to work.  I left the party with out telling my best friend T, what’s been going on in my life, no need to worry him.  Its ok we’ll catch up later, we’re going to see Iron Man together, and it will be nice spending time with him my buddy.  

Wanting

Two times now I’ve been asked in the comments, what is it that I want.  I’ve been thinking of the answer to that. Well I know that I wanted J, and I know what I wanted with him and what I wanted to be to him.  That didn’t seem to work out, I guess I was dreaming, by thinking something was possible.  I have to remember for the next time that, if someone wants you then normally they try to spend time with you, they keep in touch with you and they enjoy being with you, even in a D/s relationship I know that goes on and it did in the beginning, when J and I first talked about doing this D/s thing, when I went into training.  That changed and until recently did I know why, still I thought that there was something of this relationship/friendship that could be saved. I love him and miss him, in looking back I had no idea what he felt for me, only that he enjoyed being with me, when he was over, yep not a lot promise for a relationship. There are so many things that I wanted to do and experience with him as friends and as a D/s couple.  Though I had hope for a long while, hope is such a powerful emotion.  It gets you though most things you wouldn’t think you can overcome or get through. I now realize that unfortunately you can’t build a relationship out of it. 

 

I know that I want a monogamous relationship, and I want it to be Vanilla with D/s relationship in private, I want to do things and have fun!  I think this would be just right for me.  For the past 8 years I’ve been polyamorous, dating more than one man at a time, sometimes up to 3 at any given time.  This all being open as in they all knew I dated others.  This worked out for me for this time as I didn’t want to get serious and I was having fun, but in doing this I was really not emotionally available, and had a pretty flippant attitude about getting serious. Being poly served me well for that period of time, when dating these other men that were dating others whether they are poly or just dating that didn’t bother me at all. I’ve never been the jealous type. Now after what’s gone on with J, I see things differently now.  In essence you can’t serve to masters so to speak.  It could be done if there is no love involved, very easily.  But once love enters the picture I don’t believe it can be done least not equally as I’ve seen lately.  Again it’s like I posted in my last blog, you can totally be with and even love one but IN love with another. One will start to love another more and the balance of the poly-relationships goes off kilter. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve decided to be Monogamous from here on out, this is so that I can give the next relationship the time, availability and attention that it deserves.  If I’m going to expect something wonderful and extraordinary then I’m going have to put the effort into what I want to receive.  I think this will be easy for me after all I’m a very loyal person. I’ve been Monogamous in the past.  Before I got married, I was monogamous with each boyfriend I dated, and all during my marriage I never ever even thought of cheating on him though I had been approached a few times, I never did.  I smile in thinking how it will be; I look forward to it, to not having to juggle men and the planning.  To be there for just one, well it’s just right for me at this time, and oddly enough even though I don’t have anyone yet, I feel more sub than ever. 

 

So, to answer JM’s question from the comments in my last post, and to let substitute teacher know that mostly I want someone that wants me. Someone that I feel totally comfortable with, who I’m physically attracted to, a good communicator, who’s open about his feelings and his life and who wants to share it with me and if he makes me laugh, is a little kinky and a little Dom then that would just be icing on the cake. So you see my hopes and dreams aren’t over, there coming..   

 

And Time Passes

I write this in the hour that is the black out day across the country.  It’s 8pm and my lights are out and my candles lit.  So let me began by telling you that I probably should never say last time for anything, as in my last subject title to my last posted blog.  I sit here with out the normal noise of living, ready to interrupt me.  I’ve recently been treading on uncharted ground, trying to make changes in my life, that are out of the norm for me, I’m floating from being in a state of extreme happiness and total fear.   

I hadn’t heard from J at all, he hadn’t tried to contact me and I didn’t try and contact him.  I figured that all things went smooth for him and that he was with her and happy.  Who am I to interfere with that, plus I was still really upset about what he did and disappointed.  I tried to fill my time by cleaning and cleaning out.  I was trying to focus on me and my house and my girl friends.  With the thought in mind, no one can change you but you, cleaning things out is always a good way to start over.  I found my self thinking of J a lot, what just happened, how things had transpired before when we’d stop seeing each other and how this time was so different, so sudden and so unexpected for me.  I didn’t like how it ended but I kept thinking I need to think about what it is that I want in my next relationship..

So what does a girl do?  Well she does what she’s always done, start dating again.  I am normally a firm believer that the way to get over one man is to get another, it’s most always work in the past for me.  Some may say that “Time heals all wounds” well that’s just silly talk!  Time doesn’t do anything but pass and if you’re pining for someone it passes very slowly. 

So this time I decided to write down what I wanted.  I won’t write it all here but ultimately as far as my being sub goes I would like a man that is both Vanilla and Dom, and I would like it to be an on going long term relationship.  Where we are a couple that is vanilla to the rest of the world but D/s behind closed doors.  Am I asking too much?  I hope not because that’s what I want and I set out looking, but not expecting to find it.  I dated a few men, but I didn’t like any of them, one was too bohemian, one was too Dom, the “I’m an ass” type of Dom.  There was no way I was going to let him touch me!  One guy was one that I dated before, and yeah I had forgotten why we didn’t work out before, we were just so different though we were attracted to each other, but that’s about as far as it went.  To me most all the men that approached me to meet seemed yucky, though I know they weren’t it was my frame of mind.  It was me comparing them to J and what I wanted.

 I had put profiles back on the web sites for a short time, I felt like I was bombarded, and it wasn’t until there was a perfectly nice man that had all things I look for in a man, I found myself looking for something in his profile that I could reject him for… I couldn’t find it, I couldn’t believe that I was doing that, spending so much effort going into looking for something bad.  I ended up writing him back and telling him thanks but was taking my self off the site and dating for now.  The thing I realized that I didn’t expect was that I miss J, much more than I expected.  I kept thinking to myself what a sick sub I was, to still want him.  It was bad; I was thinking and dreaming of him more than I thought I would.  I was heart broken; everything ended that instant that I hung up on the phone when I was in the store.  It was defiantly rip the Band-Aid off quick, no time to get used to the pain of him not texting me, or coming over, even the hope that he would come over was gone. 

So I stopped dating and took my profiles down again, really it was just taking off my picture and not logging on, it works the same way.  One thing I did do was continue to see R, I saw him a few times and one day when I went over he decided to Dom me, we had talked about it before, he knew about J, and how he had been my Dom before, he thought I was still seeing him just that J wasn’t my Dom anymore.  So that’s why he felt to try this now.  I was fair game, so to speak.   He is into the lifestyle and has at one time been a full time Dom though we never have done any thing remotely D/s till now.  It was interesting and really so different, in the things he did and the way he did them.  He took pictures of me, though he’s done that before, before I wasn’t in restraints. It was so different that I didn’t know what to expect.  He told me what my expected position was when I’m in his bedroom and a few other things.  He was a kind, until he got out the crop and his thin stringy stingy floggers. Ouch did they ever sting!  He talked with me the whole time and he would ask me questions which I was supposed to answer while he was spanking me, it was hard to concentrate.  At one time I said “Yes Sir” oh now that didn’t go over well at all.  He asked me if he had asked me to call him Sir and I said Noooo  and I thought I’d get another for saying that but he didn’t,  he knew I called J  Sir LOL well all in all it was different than J.  Afterward when we were talking,  he asked me some questions one being “What I was looking for in J.”  Yes, I hadn’t let him know that I wasn’t seeing J and why.  I looked at him and I paused, I didn’t know what to say but his next question really threw me when he asked “So are you planning to be in love with him? I looked at him with a surprised expression without answering but with a question on my face, he stared at me waiting for an answer.  I looked at him and then looked away as I picked up my top and said “I don’t know, probably not”  I answered this as I slid my top on, as I looked down to fasten my top botton, I said “I don’t think so” so as not to look at him in the eye to say this.  Because once he asked me I knew what it was I really should have told him. Which should have gone something like this, “R, it’s too late I’m already in love with him”  or this “R, as a matter of fact I do love him but he doesn’t love me back and we are no longer seeing each other, so how silly is that?”   I didn’t say either of those things, mostly because it was hard to admit that out loud or anything else what had happened.   He then proceeded to tell me that a man like J maybe incapable of love and that I should be careful, and I shrugged and gave the expression “Maybe”.   Maybe I should have told him, but I couldn’t, it still hurt too much for me to talk about it with R of all people, this man who is so open.  R is the same man that was in the accident he’s been very different since the accident so much more considerate of me, more expressive and just kinder.  I had this work party to go to, I had invited J but then what happened that day changed everything and then I had told R about party and he then said we should go, we didn’t in the end he had to work and couldn’t get out of it so I took a girl friend of mine to it (I really just love P, she’s my best work friend) as she had worked with all the same people that were going to be there,.  We had a really great time.  I was really happy having so much fun and well it was a really nice semi formal party, excellent gourmet food, drinks, pictures and entertainment all on the company dime, yes it was so nice.  I got a page in the middle of it from R, we chatted back and forth a few times as I told him how the party was going. I then got an unexpected page from him.  He said a few lustful things then at the end of his text he had wrote “Oh yeah and I love you and miss you”   I was surprised and happy too, I showed it to my friend P, incase I was reading it wrong (I had been drinking) It made me smile and feel really good inside so I texted him back with an “I love you too Babe” we use pet names for each other   :-)  I wrote that and I meant it.  I do love him after 8 years of knowing him and having almost lost him in that accident, well I can say that I do love him, though I’m not in love with him.  Such a big difference, the difference is in my heart and mind.  You can totally love someone,  sleep with them, have sex with them but be IN love with someone else. 

A Last Look Back…

I recently started going through some backed up disk of previous computers.  I was looking for my music files that didn’t get transferred over to the new computer.  Since I don’t do a good job of labeling I had to go through a few in finding them, but in the process I came across other files, files from J, pictures of him, surveys and fun questioners that he used to ask me to take to find out how compatible we were, there were his and mine. It’s the pictures that got to me, some of them were of me that he took and some of were just of him, him back in 2002.  I think back and wish I had done something’s differently, made better had more thought out choices than I did.  I wish I had treated J better, not that would have changed how we turned out but because I wouldn’t have regret.  It’s bad when you have regret about the things you’ve done or didn’t do to a person that you care about and loved.  I guess that’s why this is life, it’s all about learning.  Sometimes we learn that lesson a little too late, sometimes we get another chance.  Sometimes you learn that there’s no going back once something has been done. I saw J last week, he came over and though it was wonderful and one of the best times I’ve had with him I’ll not post it as it was our last.  It’s a memory that I’ll just keep to my self.  

The truth came out this past week, just a few days after he came over,  the part about why he’s been treating me the way he has.   Strangely enough it’s exactly what I thought; he was falling in love with another woman.  I wish he had told me all those times I asked him, I guess I was wanting to believe it was something else, I was wanting to believe him and in doing so I didn’t listen to what I felt inside.  I still can’t think of why he didn’t, we were always open before.  Why would someone string a person along?  I asked him that and he couldn’t tell me.  He just wanted my help in saving what he had with her; apparently he hadn’t been honest with her either, about me or others.  It’s a long and complicated story with way more drama than your average soap opera, for me to go into. I despise drama and will walk away from it faster than you can flip a switch.  So I’ll just say that this man that I used to hold in such high regard, whose integrity was tops in my mind, let me down and I’m totally crush.  I’m not angry, and I don’t hate him. Though he thinks I am, that’s how he started off his story, he said he’d tell me what’s going on so that I’d know and hate him too.  I know that what he asked me he asked me because he couldn’t see any other way out and he was desperate, he was thinking he was going to lose her.  No matter how I want to please him, I would not lie for him, he has no idea that it pretty much killed me to be strong and say no, maybe I would have not been as strong if he had asked me in person.  I’m pretty disgusted in finding out about her and how he felt with it being about him needing to lie to her, I don’t think she deserve that either.  He told me that she was very angry with him and I told him that she had a right to be.  I kept thinking of how bad I’d feel if it was me that thought I was the only one in his life and I knew in my heart by his actions that, that might not be true, it’s an action that makes us woman think we’re crazy, how could he do that to her?  I was amazed at how much he was hiding from her, How he was denying his BDSM side as she’s vanilla and is disgusted with this lifestyle.  By him denying that to her I felt like he was denying me, and then I realized that it felt like an affair. I asked the question to my self “How can that be if neither of us is married?”  When I thought we didn’t have to hide this with each other.  So when he had told me he wanted to go vanilla he really did but not with me.  I get this sick feeling in my stomach when I wake in the morning, I despise being someones dirty little secret, and that’s how I started to feel.

Though I did realize fairly quickly what I really was to him, in the past few days I’ve tried to let it go, to move on.  To try and be positive and focus more on things in my life that brings me joy.  I have really good memories with him, what he did will never change those or the good feelings that came from them and I’m not sorry I loved him; but things have changed so I just need to move on now. 

 I haven’t talked, IMed or texted him, not since he called me that day to find out why I wouldn’t lie for him and to give me the whole sorted story. I’d taken off to the craft store to try and get away so I wouldn’t have to read his IM messages about what was going on, when he called me on my cell.  I was just picking things up and didn’t really care what it was just that I had to focus else where, when he called me.  I told him that I was at Michaels, I think in his frame of mine he thought I was at a guys house, I had to tell him a few time that I was at a craft store.  Then he felt free to talk with me,  I kept thinking that I can’t believe in all the time that we’ve been seeing each other (this time since September) that he’s never called me and here his is now talking with me on the phone while I’m at the store, trying to convince me to lie for him, to fix this for him. We talked for over an hour while I was still in the store.  When I told him goodbye on the phone, I knew it was forever an not just the hanging up goodbye.  That’s on my part and on his, his tone was a bit shocked that I’d still stay no after hearing the whole story, and me well I was sick to my stomach. 

Yeah, I know I sound strong and I am for the most part, though I did have a one of those half awake/half asleep dreams yesterday morning.  I dreamt that I was laying in my bed, I was laying on my stomach when I heard the door open then I started to listen, I heard someone come up stairs and then I heard my bed room door open and I smiled and I felt so happy, I was more than half asleep so I didn’t remember about what happened a couple of days earlier, of the disapointment.   I was just really happy and I had a feeling of being content, then I felt his knee press into the bed besides me and the weight of him as he laid down beside me.  I smiled and then opened my eyes and no one was there…. The dream was so real, my thought before I opened my eyes was to reach out with my arm and hold him,   I know that all the wishing that he didn’t ask me what he did isn’t going to change it, so I’d better change my out look on it.    

I’m not sure why I can’t get mad about this but perhaps that’s a good thing as anger just makes a person spiral deeper into that feeling and makes you do or say things you regret.  Maybe it’s because I know I’ll always love him for showing me the D/s ways, introducing me to something new and being a friend these past 8 years, or maybe I’m a sub after all, taking my punishment for actions of my past with him.  I know that I will miss him.

I talked with lc a fellow sub, about all this and she’s such a good listener, thank you lc!  As per her advice I’m going to keep this blog up and add to it as things come up as this one of the things that has brought me joy.   I found the song I was thinking about, in thinking of him and what’s happened now, in my files on my last disk that I needed to go through.  Though he never loved me the sentiment is there on my part, here’s the You Tube version.

Fork in the road

I’ve been thinking of what I was going to write next, how do I say what’s gone on with J and I, to put down in words what I’m feeling.  Shortly after I saw Him/J last we started to talk again, talk about where we are at, I kept thinking that I wouldn’t see him again and that he didn’t want to see me.  It was just a gut feeling that things were over, and I sooo didn’t want them to be. He told me that he was thinking of just being vanilla for a while, because of things that were happening that he’s not been in his top space and once he said that I knew it too. I became upset and a bit panicky though he didn’t see it in me, it was because I thought I was going to lose him, lose him to another.  Like a lot of men J is poly (see, dates, and sleeps with more than one person) as I now think I’m the same.  So I thought he was just going to be vanilla and didn’t want anything to do with me, but I was wrong, thank goodness, I was so relieved.  As we talked about things and asked each other questions of what we would want, I found out that he still wants to see me, and that it would be what ever we would want, vanilla, D/s and just hanging out.  His schedule was about to change drastically and I with that I also felt that our window of opportunity would disappear as well but in fact he thinks it will really be better for the both of us, that we might get more time out from it.  I though so too, though these past 2 weeks I had to change my schedule so there were opportunities miss but I hope will be made up.

Or so I thought, since I started to write this a about a week ago my thoughts have changed again, we’ve talked again and more about me, he thinks I should still go out and date so that I won’t be board waiting for him, I protested that idea, though that’s what we’ve always done before in all the years he’s known me, but things have changed for me now.  Now that I no longer have a child living with me and that I’m ready and able for more of a relationship I can’t have one, or seem to have one with the one I want, so it goes back to what it was before with him and me.

The thing I have to remember is and it’s the most important thing I need to remember and that’s, that things really haven’t changed for him, well in regards to me. I think his life has changed a lot even if he doesn’t see it. So with that I have to face reality even though I don’t want to. I’ve got to drag my Dom side out from with in me, and try buck it up and to move on. He thinks I should date so perhaps that’s what I should do. I guess I’m out there again, but now with a different out look, not a better one just a different one.  I’ll just date so I can have something to do but I’m still not going to look for a Dom, because how does one forget this D/s life?  I don’t know how long term subs do it after a break up, I bearly peeked into this life and it’s got me wanting more.  Those of you that have been collard, or owned by, how do you find devotion and loyalty to another when you’ve been trained to submit to just one, to follow his words only and to wait for him so you can give yourself to him, to forget this, how is this done?  How can I can I do this when everything you feel tells you to wait for him? 

I suppose that I’ll be reading your Blogs, looking at pictures on alt, looking from the outside in and learning, for who knows what, I’m sure I don’t know.  I have to say that I still have a calm heart and am at peace about this, though I hate it I accept it. I’m trying to change how I react to things that are negative or are not what I want. I see now how some of the things that I had done before like asking for release, getting upset because he canceled New Years and a few other things that I won’t go into that I acted out on were actions based on fears.  Fears of rejection and of him leaving me, not being open and truthful to me.  I think that all of you woman know these feelings as they’ve popped up at least once in your life time, probably more so for subbie woman than any.   These actions were in fact an attempt to control the situation even if it the result was negative for me.  At the time I didn’t see it as fear or actions from it but it’s so clear to me now.  I’ve never been one to let my fear control me, at least fear that I recognized as fear.  I face most all my fears (ok, so I still can’t stand spiders) because if you let your fear control you it stagnates you and stops you from living, living the life you’re supposed to live.  So to face my fear of finding a new Dom, I will someday when I’m ready, maybe before that day comes J will get back into it, I’d prefer that because, to me he was a perfect Dom for  me.  You know it’s hard to find a good one, one you can trust and who’s not a freak.  When and if I do I will proceed with caution and take each step it slowly as I figure out what tine to take in this fork in the road. Sometimes I wish I can turn back time, relive moments in time, happy fun times as well as quite somber times. I look up at the photo I took on the top of my blog and remembering that day I took the picture, I was so happy and full of joy then, I wish with all my heart I could go back there and relive that day, and feel the rain coming down on me. Oh how I wish it would rain.

A New Perspective

I had wanted to write and post an update on what’s going on with me and Him before I posted this,  I’ve had a stressed couple of weeks and just didn’t find time or the energy to write what was going on until this weekend. This combined with the anxiousness and sleepless nights over what I was feeling with Him/J and work deadlines well it’s been a bit much, but the sun is coming up and things are much better.  After this post I still have one more and then I think I’ll be caught up.  I had posted this earlier then decided to delete it because I wanted things to go in order as they happened. What’s below is a big part of why I’ve been distracted and preoccupied.  On another note I’m trying to make the transition from refering to Sir as Him on this blog, I’ll be using Him/J on this post then the next it will be J, so that you’ll know exsatly who I’m writing about.

About 2 weeks ago I found out what happens when you come close to losing a person that you really care for.  I found out that I almost lost a close friend of mine, a man I sometimes date, it was R.  Though R and I hadn’t had a physical relationship since I started seeing Him/J as my Dom.  Like Him/J, I dated R on and off for the past 7 years, same as Him, though recently we’ve gotten closer than we’ve ever been. Like with Him/J I’ve seen both of them at the same time as well as on with one and off with the other. I am and have always been open about this with both of them. Recently I’ve seen sides to R that surprised me, sides of kindness, giving and caring that I hadn’t seen before.  Yeah R can be a little cold at times, though tries not to show it, and not with me but I’ve seen R detach himself big time. He’s a bit Charlie Sheenish if you know the type, he’s hedonistic.   So when I hadn’t heard from him, in over a week, I thought I’d try and text R one more time.  I figured that he’s found someone on his ski vacation and was busy with that, I texted something funny and cleaver.  What I got back shocked me and sent me in to freak out mode.  R did text me back and asked if I hadn’t gotten his other messages, then told me that he was in the bus that crashed in Utah the week before, the one which killed 9 people of the 51 that were on it.  He listed all the broken bones that he had including the broken heart he had from losing 2 of his friends in the accident. I was so shocked, I dropped to my knees crying and thanked God that he was alive and able to tell me that he’d be ok, I then called R as fast as I could, and talk with him for a little bit, I needed to hear his voice, then let him go so he could rest.  It’s strange how in a flash of a few seconds one can get a whole new perspective on life.

 The next few days were hard for me emotionally but worse for him for sure, but with each day he gets better and stronger and I feel my worry for him slip away.  The weird thing is that the week following the accendent I kept feeling like something was wrong, I had texted him a few times that day he was going to leave back home, he had told me that there was a delay because of weather.  I texted him asking where he was and the next text I got was he telling me that he was in Utah at 4 corners.  By that time on that text it was probably right close to the time of the accident, maybe 20 min later, where all 51 people in the bus got thrown.  When I saw the accident on the news my heart stopped then I remembered or thought that he was coming home by plane, so I dismissed it. I’m angry with my self for not listing to my gut instinct, it’s always right, I feel like had I known I could have gotten to him sooner though I know now that there was nothing I could have done.  He does have family support so he wasn’t alone.  I texted him a few more times that week but he was in the hospital and he’s phone had been lost in the accedent and didn’t get a new one until a few day prior to my last text to him. 

With all that was happening with Him I was surprised by my reaction to R’s accident, and how I felt a mix of panic with caring and total loving friendship.  I now care for R on a different level than I did before, I hope to always be his friend but more so now, now after the accedent.  We’ve always had very strong chemistry and a desire for each other, at one time we talked about moving in together.   I find him hard to resist but that’s changed and yes I do think that what I feel for Him, for J, has something to do with it.  R and I have always had a few issues and those haven’t nor will they change in the future, why R is in my life is a mystery to me, though maybe it’s just to help each other through stuff, early in our relationship he gave some very good advice on raising my daughter, he was spot on, having had 3 of his own.  He gets me to think of things in a different light.  He’s good at that, he lives life on his terms and is a happy man. I respect him for raising his kids on his own and for all that he’s accomplished.  He’s a driven man with goals and the ability to get things done like it was nothing.  I hope to remain friends with R, and I hope that his body heals as well as his heart, my prayers go out to him. 

He comes over… cont. from Having Hope

Negotiations continued, we both asked more clarifying questions and would give out answers, though it was long progress due to work and things, and we couldn’t meet.  When the week of work passed Thursday came around my first day off, I was cleaning out my closet most of the morning and night, I hadn’t been sleeping hardly at all and thought I’d just get some organizing done since I was up anyways, when I took a break I went down stairs, I didn’t know he had IMed me earlier that morning.  I sat down in front of the computer and we chatted a bit and then he asked if he could come over, and I said yes!  Though we wouldn’t have much time since he had an appointment in a few hours, I didn’t care; I just wanted to see him. I asked him if he wanted me waiting or waiting in position, he said it was up to me.  I was so nervous, though we had been talking I didn’t know where to start from, how to act, were we starting over or picking up from where we left off. Were we going to just talk, what was going to happen?  Plus there was a thought in my head that there no way he could punish me for all the bad things I’d done in the past few months with out sending me to shock.  If he did I wouldn’t be able to sit down for forever hehe.  Was the slate wiped clean?  I didn’t know, and I didn’t care I just wanted to see him. I wanted to be his to see if I could take what he gave me.  I took a quick shower as he had to go to the post office before he came over, I had time.  He had asked what I was wearing when we were chatting and I told him nothing, I was naked typing in front of the computer, as I had taken my cloths off to wash them and then came to the computer to see who had IMed me.  Well he liked that idea and asked if I was going to stay naked for him when he came over, I told him yes, unless you want me to put something on and then he asked me to put on my nipple jewelry that I had made.  I ran around getting ready and I took a shower, then I when knew he was almost here I had jump back in because I had forgotten to shave my legs.  Oh I couldn’t believe I had forgotten, I was sitting on the bed with the towel still on me, and I was putting lotion on my legs when he walked in.  I though of going into position but couldn’t make my self do it.  I wanted to see him, to see his face, his expression; I’d know what was going on with us right off if I just look into his eyes.  Plus I had missed him so much that I just had to see him, it had been since the first week in Nov since I had seen him. 

He walked through the door and looked at me I think I smiled and I looked into his eyes… his oh so very blue eyes and he smiled, yes, it got to me, I had to look away, but I knew things were going to be okay with us, and I did a sigh of relief.  You know that deep intense look when two people connect look at each other, it’s almost a staring into the soul of that person, sometimes it’s hard to hold, well I think he looked away first, he has trouble looking into my eyes for a long time, he makes the break first.  He made a comment about me just getting out of the shower and I went to hang up the towel, I had on only one of the nipple dangles on because I couldn’t get the other one on, I was so nervous I couldn’t get my nipple hard, he asked why I couldn’t get it on and I told him that I was nervous, so he asked why was I nervous, I told him it was because it’s been a long time since I’d seen him.   I went to him for help putting it on, thinking that he’d pinch it and twist my nipple it to get it hard, but he didn’t.  Instead he held my breast in both hands and bent down and put his mouth on my nipple and started to suck it, while he held it, oh this made my head spinning, I had to put my hand on his arm, and he let me, it felt so good to touch him, though in our past sessions he had touched me he didn’t allow me to touch him unless I sneaked a touch of his leg or arm.  I brought the other arm up and held on to him,  though he sucked for a bit it still didn’t get as hard as it needed to but hard enough to get the dangly on.  I watched his hands work to put the jewelry on, I hadn’t seen them in a long time that close up, probably since he had put the cuffs on me on our second session. I closed my eyes for a moment and relished in his touch.  He then turned me around, had me face the bed and bent me over, he told me and motioned with his feet for me to spread my legs, Oh I love this, it’s a simple thing but all I need is a tap and I know what he want’s, and so I spread them apart for him.  He then asked for my camera, he started to take pictures of me and walk around, looking for something.  He asked me to close my eye when he came around to the front of me and took some pictures, when he went behind me again I was on the bed now, on hands and knees.  I turned my head as to try and see what he was doing and to hear what he was going to say, He asked me if I had opened my eyes and I said yes and Whack!  I got it on the butt twice, yaoww!  That hurt it smarted, but good.  He then asked me did I tell you to open your eyes.  I said “Noooo” and he spanked me a few more times then went back to playing and running the feather on me. It felt good so soft and delicate across my skin and then he’s pause and I’d get it again, ouch it hurt so much every time and I was trying to think what he was using because he didn’t bring his case of goodies this time as there wasn’t enough time.  When he found the feather there was a new fashion leather black suede belt that I had bought that was near the feather, he even picked it up, I thought it was the belt, to me it felt thick, and wide and had the sting of the a leather switch he used on me once. I kept getting spanks that stung, I would say ouch but really I was trying really hard not to say anything I was trying to take it, but it really hurt.  After a few more swats and caresses of the feather he took some more pictures and then started to use the handle of the feather on my pussy, rubbing it and making it vibrate on my clit, it was driving me nuts.  He then started to push the smooth rounded handle into me, he kept on making it vibrate the handle was now in me good well up right to where my G-spot is, he made it vibrate  so much that I came and came, though I came and came I wasn’t wet,  I was nervous but also I had washed myself out but good in there, I wanted to be fresh for him, but it dried me out so he had stop and get the lube from my case and put some on and in me. He put the handle back in me and wouldn’t let up, I tried move forward on the bed to pull away because I didn’t think I could take it anymore but he’d just pull me back or motion to me to move my hips back with his hand on the in side of my leg by my pussy, he just wouldn’t let up and then got the handle of the feather and started to push it into my anus but at the time I thought it was the small red butt plug that he’s used before on me, I knew it was small. I could feel the wetness of the lube and the way he was moving the handle around, then I heard the camera, I suddenly got scared thinking that he was going to try and have anal sex with me and I didn’t think I was ready for that, I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to have regular sex with him, it had been so long. I think that He is the perfect size for me once he’s in me, but before he feels really big when he first goes in, he stretches me so good, but this time since I was dry it wouldn’t go in.. I was really tight, I have that problem a lot of times, I am really tight and if I don’t have sex for a while well it feels like it almost closes up on me.  He pushed and pushed and then I think added more lube, I got my hand between my legs and tried to guild his bulging cock into me.  Finally it went in a little then a little bit more and oh my gosh it was amazing, it felt so good to have him in me again, I felt my self rip a little but he felt good in me and at that point I didn’t care, I just kept on cumming, his cock and touch were driving me crazy, at one point he pulled out and then put the handle in my anus and I closed my eyes tight because I thought that he’s then pull it out of me and start to him self in to replace it. He didn’t, he then slid his cock back into me, and the feeling of having him and the handle in at the same time was explosive, and I started to come harder than I had in a long time, he pull it out of me and then he did something that absolutely drives me nuts he grinded me, well not really sure of what he does but that’s what it feels like that, he holds on to my hips as does this and it sends shivers up my spine. 

When he was done, so was I, I was spent.  I was still on my hands and knees on the bed when he went to go wash up and then told me I could lie down, he had to tell me twice I was so out of it. He asked me how it was and I laughed because I though he knows how it was, it was fantastic and I told him so.  I was on the bed on my side looking at him get dressed when he took another picture of me, I was enjoying seeing him talk to me. He then started to text someone on his phone, perhaps his 5pm appointment, then I heard my phone buzz *Grin* yes he was texting me, and then I got another one.  We talked a little bit more then he said he had to leave, he told me that I had two text messages that he sent to me… I was walking with him to my bedroom door when he turned back wrapped his arm around my still naked body and gave me a kiss, Wow his lips felt great, hehehe so much so that when we pulled away I asked for another kiss, and he did. I stayed by my bedroom door as I watched him walk down the stairs and then turn his head and say goodbye as he closed the door.  I was smiling and of course very happy, but wondering when I’d see him again if at all.  I grabbed my phone and lay back down on the bed still naked to read what he wrote me, I responded, and then slipped away into sleep.

Having Hope

I write this post and the next about Him with a calming heart, a new perspective and an over all peace surging through my veins  that everything is going to be okay,  Here’s what’s gone on.  I did hear from Him, he responded to my “Are you happy with it” comment that I had texted him.  He asked what I meant, and I asked him “Wondering if that’s it, is it what you want.”    LOL then answered “it wasn’t”  as he proceeded to remind me that it was I that asked for release..  Oh yeah, I did do that.  I thought about how I didn’t really want to be released.  I didn’t want us to be over,  I couldn’t stomach the thought of not ever seeing him agian, so I reminded him that I had been hurt about his canceling new years,  So he proceeded to remind me that I didn’t bother to find out what happened….  humm yes he got me there again.  So I told him that he could have told me in a few words that he had to work, instead of the “Can’t, tell you later” text that I got.  So there was bad communications going on with the both of us, I should have done things differently and he should have too. 

He stopped texting me then as he had gotten to work, we didn’t text until the next day.  I got on line and we started to chat about things.  We chatted for a few hours and then we went to texting on the phone, I was really so happy, because it dawned on me that He was chatting and texting with me, that meant that he really did want to work this out, we continued to talk and negotiate what we wanted, in my head I believe it’s going to be a new start. Then I told him what I’ve always told him and that is that I only want him to be my Dom, and he asked me why, so I told him, why, then I told him something else that even surprised me and that I wanted him very much so to be my Dom so much so that I thought I was in love with him.  Yes I said that! It even freaked me out a bit that I wrote those words, but I had to, that’s what I’ve been feeling, why else was it so hard to let him go, it never was in the past or with most others.  I truly love him and yes I’m ok with him not loving me, though it would be nice if he did, that’s not what love is about.  Can’t say “I will love you only if you love me back.” love doesn’t work that way.  I totally care about him and hope he’s always happy, healthy and in good spirit. We’ve been friends for so long even though those years are gone, they are not erased. They happened, he’s truly a good person and like I wrote before I trust my life with him.  I feel really happy when he’s around, he makes me laugh, and he’s a very sexy man and sooooo good in me! What’s not to love.. hehehe  We discussed more about what we both wanted going forward. So I told him a few things and then He asked me if I was willing to totally submit to him, and asked if he took me to a sex club would I submit to him and service him in front of others or share me to service others.  I answered yes I would, but doing things in public like that would probably be something that I had to build up to, not a right off thing, and as long as I could help pick out the other man and that he’d make sure he was safe and that would be in private, I totally trust Him and I know that he wouldn’t put me in anything that was compromising,dangerous or something that I didn’t really want to do. Part of me was thinking he was testing my loyalty by asking but I did mean it, he knows me and knows that if I don’t want to do something that I’ll tell him, in the past we’ve always been very open, thats one thing that I’ve always like about him.

I also found out about the SWLC (South West Leather Conference), I had never heard of it and I guess it’s something that’s really big here in the south west BDSM community.  I will add the link to my Teachings links.  He told me about what it is and what goes on and told me that he wanted to take me to it, and would have if he didn’t have to work.  That made me so happy just to know he was thinking of me and of my training, of learning new things, that he would or wanted to take me out into the community of BDSM. I asked him how many went as I know there is a local community meeting type of thing that goes on though I’ve never been and I thought it was more like that but a whole weekend event, with a few hundred, turns out it’s more like thousands coming.  I hope to go next year. 

 During this day of negotiations I don’t think that I’ve ever felt more submissive than I did this day.  If I had been in his presence I would have been on my knees with my head bowed and so happy about it.  I was submissive as well as humbled.  I was elated that we’d have a new start and we could move forward.  We ended up leaving some things up in the air as he had plans that evening and it was getting late.  He was also busy that weekend so we didn’t talk again until a few days later.  When I found out that he had interrupted a break in at his house.  I was so worried as I thought something might have happened to him, that’s bad walking into someone breaking into your house, though I know he could handle the situation due to his type of work I was still very worried about him and was going to leave work if I needed to. I kept texting him trying to find out what happened, I found out later he had interrupted them, though he didn’t catch them.  They had already gone and they were probably young punks by what they took and what they left. I’m so relieved that he’s ok, I was worried something had happened to him.

to be continued…….