2010 New Year Update….. Jan 2.

Last year around this time I was writing and contemplating things, how things were going with J.  It’s the New Year so I’m reflecting on the past year again, what I’ve learned what I’ve experienced and how or if I’ll take that into the next year.

I want to first write about what’s going on with D and I.  Our last meeting that I wrote about wasn’t our last time together.  We’ve gotten together again for a long weekend in October.  He did come down again in November, but we had very little time together, due to his work and me leaving out of state to celebrate Thanksgiving and my birthday.  We talked about us and what each of us wants out of our relationship.  It was a perfect time for this discussion as things were more settled and the out side influences had surfaced.

Our Major consideration of our relationship was if he got his promotion which would require him to fly to my state to conduct his businesses.  As it turns out he did get a promotion but it’s not the one we were hoping for.  He’s a smart man and was also being considered for another promotion, one that’s was even better than the first.  This is the job he got; he’ll now be flying to other states as well as mine.  It’s a regional job and it will last until he gets another promotion in a few years.  With that being decided for us, we then talked about trying to make it work and what the possibilities were and we came up with.

1)      He turns down the promotion—but I could not ever let him do that! He got the job for a reason, he deserves it and he should take it!

2)      I move there to where he lives.  – Same thing, I don’t want it on his shoulders if things don’t go well as if I don’t get a job there or if I sold my house then didn’t have something to come back to if it didn’t work. Though it’s a nice fantasy I don’t really want to be a kept woman again. He says he’ll have no problem with it but I think I might. I’ve just been independent so long and there’s a few other issues that I have but won’t go into.  This is all in addition to me having my home and friends here.

3)      Another option is to just end it!  Cold Turkey!  Hahaha yeah I know NOW that I don’t do well with that!  I’ve got to take that Band-Aid off slowly!  So what are we going to do?  We are going to try and keep it up, our visits, the communications our friendship. After all he’ll be racking up those frequent flyer miles!  YES, we are in full denial… or maybe like that song says “Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye” and for now we don’t have too.   In my heart of hearts I hope work out something but if we don’t I hope we fade away slowly but keep in touch a bit and remain friends.  He’s such a nice and good man.  I really do want the best for him even if it’s not me and I know he wants the same for me.

Right now we are still talking and chatting everyday and seeing each other when we can.  I saw him in November and we almost skipped December there was too much going on with his work and me with my family holiday commitments. I went to see him at the end of December after Christmas, on the way back from visiting my daughter, and I stayed a few days.  Oh it was so much fun he’s a great host! Totally making me feel welcomed and at home in his house.

Most of the time we are together we are talking, it’s great and I love that he’s a really great communicator, he does it with such ease, but he’s told me he’s always working on it because of work.  It’s so fun because it’s like we can’t wait to bring each other up to speed on what’s happened in our day and in our thoughts about things and each other.  Rarely a day goes by that we don’t talk, but it comes with such ease as it’s not something we feel we have to do or an obligation it’s that we just want too.   I really do enjoy being with him, but this wouldn’t be a complete Blog nor would it be true to my heart if I didn’t write the following.  Since September we’ve been discussing about our really true deep down feelings ( I know how mushy   )  about our D/s play.  We basically laid it out on the table and went through each item and talked about it. Though long ago we both shared our list of things we wanted to do and try and things we’ve tried and didn’t want to try again. This time it was kind of like talking about those same things but more importantly we talked about why we like and want to do the things we do, it’s like getting to the root of why we are like we are.  A bit of psycho analyses of ourselves, we both believe that what’s the point in doing all of this if you don’t learn the why of it.    I don’t want to go through all of it but will touch on our major topics.

One of his was wanting a Slave, back in May, we talked about it, at the time I thought I’d want to try it but in finding out what it really meant, what I’d have to do or become it just didn’t feel like me.  With that big topic on the table we talked about it again recently.  This time he told me that he knows I could never be that even for him nor did he see me or want to see me that way since he’s gotten to know me so well.  That made me really happy I told him maybe it was about controlling the situation or controlling a stranger, or just having one totally submit to him to him no matter what.  He then brought up about having someone to be totally for him, loyal and dedicated.  It bothered me what he said as I know he doesn’t think I can be totally loyal.  I looked away staring outside his window thinking of our past conversations on the matter.  He thinks that I’m poly through and through because of what I’ve told him of how my life has been for the last 9 years.  Well on and off.  He knows how I’ve dated and few mean at a time, but mostly it’s been a rotation of the same 4 men and not all at the same time but with trying out others (as in dating!) throwing in a new one to the mix every now and then. He brought up about how I wasn’t loyal to J but I then told him that J NEVER required that I be since he him self was poly. I’d told him everything about J and how he never wanted me as his sub so why would he want me to be loyal to him, though at the time I used to fantasize about it, it just wasn’t there for J.   I also told him reason I did date others at the same time.  I have several good reasons but the main one was so that I would not get serious or fall in love with any of them.  At least until my daughter was grown and out of the house, which she is now. Protecting her, her heart and mind was my TOP objective.

As long as there was more than one I knew I wouldn’t allow myself or them to fall in love.  I was ALLWAYS open and upfront about dating others with all of them.  It didn’t help 3 of them. Two of them kept hinting to marriage and I had to break it off with them, as if that’s what they wanted they weren’t going to get that from me!  So the kindest thing to do was let them go to find someone that did want to get married. The 3rd man was R well he wanted to get married and get me pregnant. He thought that was a Great Idea!  When I made it clear that I didn’t want that, he went with another got her pregnant and then married her.  Of course that was a while back and she ended up leaving him and then divorcing him.  He’s the main reason I got my tubes tied! Until then I always thought he’d try to trick me. Funny how roles have changed…  I do have trust issues with R but more on that later..

To be continued….. soon!

2010 New Year Blog update….. Jan 2.

Last year around this time I was writing and contemplating things, how things were going with J.  It’s the New Year so I’m reflecting on the past year again, what I’ve learned what I’ve experienced and how or if I’ll take that into the next year.

I want to first write about what’s going on with D and I.  Our last meeting that I wrote about wasn’t our last time together.  We’ve gotten together again for a long weekend in October.  He did come down again in November, but we had very little time together, due to his work and me leaving out of state to celebrate Thanksgiving and my birthday.  We talked about us and what each of us wants out of our relationship.  It was a perfect time for this discussion as things were more settled and the out side influences had surfaced.

Our Major consideration of our relationship was if he got his promotion which would require him to fly to my state to conduct his businesses.  As it turns out he did get a promotion but it’s not the one we were hoping for.  He’s a smart man and was also being considered for another promotion, one that’s was even better than the first.  This is the job he got; he’ll now be flying to other states as well as mine.  It’s a regional job and it will last until he gets another promotion in a few years.  With that being decided for us, we then talked about trying to make it work and what the possibilities were and we came up with.

1) He turns down the promotion—but I could not ever let him do that! He got the job for a reason, he deserves it and he should take it!

2) I move there to where he lives.  – Same thing, I don’t want it on his shoulders if things don’t go well as if I don’t get a job there or if I sold my house then didn’t have something to come back to if it didn’t work. Though it’s a nice fantasy I don’t really want to be a kept woman again. He says he’ll have no problem with it but I think I might. I’ve just been independent so long and there’s a few other issues that I have but won’t go into.  This is all in addition to me having my home and friends here.

3) Another option is to just end it!  Cold Turkey!  Hahaha yeah I know NOW that I don’t do well with that!  I’ve got to take that Band-Aid off slowly!  So what are we going to do?  We are going to try and keep it up, our visits, the communications our friendship. After all he’ll be racking up those frequent flyer miles!  YES, we are in full denial… or maybe like that song says “Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye” and for now we don’t have too.   In my heart of hearts I hope work out something but if we don’t I hope we fade away slowly but keep in touch a bit and remain friends.  He’s such a nice and good man.  I really do want the best for him even if it’s not me and I know he wants the same for me.

Right now we are still talking and chatting everyday and seeing each other when we can.  I saw him in November and we almost skipped December there was too much going on with his work and me with my family holiday commitments. I went to see him at the end of December after Christmas, on the way back from visiting my daughter, and I stayed a few days.  Oh it was so much fun he’s a great host! Totally making me feel welcomed and at home in his house.

Most of the time we are together we are talking, it’s great and I love that he’s a really great communicator, he does it with such ease, but he’s told me he’s always working on it because of work.  It’s so fun because it’s like we can’t wait to bring each other up to speed on what’s happened in our day and in our thoughts about things and each other.  Rarely a day goes by that we don’t talk, but it comes with such ease as it’s not something we feel we have to do or an obligation it’s that we just want too.   I really do enjoy being with him, but this wouldn’t be a complete Blog nor would it be true to my heart if I didn’t write the following.  Since September we’ve been discussing about our really true deep down feelings ( I know how mushy   )  about our D/s play.  We basically laid it out on the table and went through each item and talked about it. Though long ago we both shared our list of things we wanted to do and try and things we’ve tried and didn’t want to try again. This time it was kind of like talking about those same things but more importantly we talked about why we like and want to do the things we do, it’s like getting to the root of why we are like we are.  A bit of psycho analyses of ourselves, we both believe that what’s the point in doing all of this if you don’t learn the why of it.    I don’t want to go through all of it but will touch on our major topics.

One of his was wanting a Slave, back in May, we talked about it, at the time I thought I’d want to try it but in finding out what it really meant, what I’d have to do or become it just didn’t feel like me.  With that big topic on the table we talked about it again recently.  This time he told me that he knows I could never be that even for him nor did he see me or want to see me that way since he’s gotten to know me so well.  That made me really happy I told him maybe it was about controlling the situation or controlling a stranger, or just having one totally submit to him to him no matter what.  He then brought up about having someone to be totally for him, loyal and dedicated.  It bothered me what he said as I know he doesn’t think I can be totally loyal.  I looked away staring outside his window thinking of our past conversations on the matter.  He thinks that I’m poly through and through because of what I’ve told him of how my life has been for the last 9 years.  Well on and off.  He knows how I’ve dated and few mean at a time, but mostly it’s been a rotation of the same 4 men and not all at the same time but with trying out others (as in dating!) throwing in a new one to the mix every now and then. He brought up about how I wasn’t loyal to J but I then told him that J NEVER required that I be since he him self was poly. I’d told him everything about J and how he never wanted me as his sub so why would he want me to be loyal to him, though at the time I used to fantasize about it, it just wasn’t there for J.   I also told him reason I did date others at the same time.  I have several good reasons but the main one was so that I would not get serious or fall in love with any of them.  At least until my daughter was grown and out of the house, which she is now. Protecting her, her heart and mind was my TOP objective.

As long as there was more than one I knew I wouldn’t allow myself or them to fall in love.  I was ALLWAYS open and upfront about dating others with all of them.  It didn’t help 3 of them. Two of them kept hinting to marriage and I had to break it off with them, as if that’s what they wanted they weren’t going to get that from me!  So the kindest thing to do was let them go to find someone that did want to get married. The 3rd man was R well he wanted to get married and get me pregnant. He thought that was a Great Idea!  When I made it clear that I didn’t want that, he went with another got her pregnant and then married her.  Of course that was a while back and she ended up leaving him and then divorcing him.  He’s the main reason I got my tubes tied! Until then I always thought he’d try to trick me. Funny how roles have changed…  I do have trust issues with R but more on that later..

To be continued….. soon!

Weekend With D… part III

My phone alarm went off and we got up and got ready for the concert. Before I put on my cloths he picked up the anal dildo and lube from the dresser where he’d put it before we bagged things up so we could lay on the bed.  He tells me in a stern voice “Bend over”.  I paused then started to ask him if he wanted my panties down and he quickly walked over to me and as he bent me over he told me “I didn’t ask you to speak did I?”  I moved my head in a “No” direction and he quickly slapped my butt and I knew what I needed to do instantly, I said “No Sir, you didn’t ask me to speak, I’m sorry Sir.” I smiled, and held back a laugh.  I just love it when he talks like that.   With that he put his fingers into the waste of my panties and pulled them down so hard I thought they’d rip.  He spread my legs with his feet at the same time he was spreading my cheeks.  I closed my eyes tight because he was doing things to fast that I thought he’d ram it into me, I was really afraid of him doing that.  (It’s not that I don’t trust him it’s that I don’t trust most.  It goes back to when I was married and my husband, someone who I trusted completely tried to enter me fast and with out any lube.  It was so painful and I screamed out so loud because of the pain, and then cried because he didn’t stop when I told him to.  Even though the anal thing is what I desire, because of that, I have trust issues.  I thought I’d let those issues fall away with J but I guess it’s a trust that has to be developed.) He must have seen how tense I was and he started to rub my butt cheeks and then when he went to spread my cheeks again he did it slower, touching me and then I hear the lube squeeze out and I felt the coldness on my anus.  Then I heard him put some lube on the dildo too.   He then spread my cheeks with his left hand as he positioned the dildo plug at my opening.  He presses it slowly in and out a little bit, and when it was in about an inch and a half he asked me how that felt?  I said “It feels good Sir”, still I was breathing deep and trying to relax at the same time while my ass was feeling invaded and incredibly stretched.  He told me that he was going to push it in some more that it should be okay and that he’d do it slowly.  He pushed it into me little by little with out pulling it out and then the last few inches he pushed it in fast and I gasped but it didn’t hurt he was right it was beyond that point already.  It went in all the way until my anus close in around the smaller portion of the plug.  I hung my head down and was still taking deep breaths.  He got behind me and started to rub the head of his cock on my clit and it felt good it was taking  my mind off the big uncomfortable  dildo in my ass.  He then started to push his head into me and I and spoke out and told him that I didn’t think I could handle both in me, I forgot about the speaking so I ended it quickly with a “Sir”.    With that he went back to rubbing my clit but, with his fingers this time then he slipped one in and he said in a surprised voice “You’re still swollen” and I nodded a yes.

He then slapped me on my but and told me to get up. I did and then he motioned me to turn around and face him and he kissed me, then told me looking me directly into my eyes.  “Okay Babe now tonight when we’re at the concert I want you to stand up and clap or shout or what ever, every time the drummer lifts his hands in the air from drumming.”  I opened my mouth in surprise of what he just told me and blushed.  He said “Yes, you’ll be fucking your own butt every time you sit down” and he giggled.  We finished getting ready and headed down to the show. All was fine till they started to play.  Now you know more than one did the drumming and I didn’t realize how expressive they were with lifting there hands in the air so many times.  It wasn’t so much that I had to fuck my butt each time in standing up and blocking the peoples view behind me that I told D that it’s not fair to them so he leaned in and whispered with a grin into my ear “Then bounce a bit in the chair and clap your hands with excitement., it will be the same thing”  hahaha, well I did and I wished I had, had a drink or two before so I wouldn’t have to ACT so excited. They are good but not as good as my excitement had to show in order to bounce excitedly.  When the concert was over I was relieved and was really wanting to get that out of my butt.  Now I’ll always associate that group with my new experience D.  It was fun but I couldn’t wait to get back to the room so I could remover it.

After the concert we went to a bar and sat and had a drink, I thought and told him that I could have used it before the concert but this is good too.  He told me that he didn’t want me to drink before, so that I could feel everything, physically and mentally, but that after a drink we’d go back to the room and and.. and he left it just as that, he didn’t tell me anymore, as I just looked at him waiting for him to finish and tell me what was going to happen.  He took a sip of his drink and told me you’re too curious.  I laughed and nodded in a knowing yes.  He winked at me and told me, I like that in you, it makes me feel like I’m even in more control than I really am.  We headed back to the room and all the way there I was fearful of what was going to happen.  I knew that we couldn’t have regular sex without it being painful, and all that was left was anal sex and that would be what would happen after he removed the dildo plug.  I was right and so we tired, he was as gentle as he could be and patient.  It was erotic up until the point where I couldn’t take anymore, just getting his head in me was such a struggle. We ended up stopping. We talked about things and he thought for sure it would be just a matter of time and having more sex and more anal training, and that once he got the job where he’d come here more, that would change.  I nodded and agreed but deep down I knew that we could spend everyday on it and things wouldn’t change as it hadn’t with the ex BF.  I wanted to be optimistic and I wanted to really give it a go.  I was more than disappointed and he was sweet because he saw in me and told me that it was okay,  but really I felt like I failed him.  He said he was fine with it and then told me why did I think that he’d be mad at me or disappointed for something I couldn’t help.  He hugged me and held me all night long. He feels so good lying next to him with his arms around me.  In the morning he ordered breakfast delivered to the room and while we ate we talked about our past relationships, he asked about my ex husband, J and R.  It’s amazing how much in site you can have about things when they are over and time has passed. I asked about his past as well, his ex wife and past subs and girl friends.   We ended up on the bed again and he was cautious but I wanted to fill him in me one more time since this was our last day together.  So even though he said I was to be sub this weekend he made love to me. He is so open and willing to connect with me, he doesn’t separate the kinky from the romantic sex, I really like his flexibility and his willingness to connect with me. He can be both at any given time, Dom and romantic.  He tells me that I’m beautiful, though he doesn’t have to.  Like most woman I’ve been told that before but his sincerity and the way he looks at me,  shows in his eyes that he means it, what a wonderful feeling to be desired.  We are each others types and we think we make a cute couple.

Before we left, we put our bags in the car and then came back in to walk around and gambled a little.  I won a little and he broke even.  When we drove out he mentioned that one day we’ll come back and try a different hotel and he point to the Bellagio and then winked.  I told him that where we went didn’t matter it was the time I spent with him that mattered.  It had been a long time.. since that last BF,  that had I spent that much time with a man.  It was nice, being there and making a memory but it wasn’t necessary, I would have enjoyed his company just staying at my house.  As we drove out of town I started to think about what happened with D the night before, I thought about how I normally in the past I have loved anal sex, I know that his cock is really big much like that past BF of mine.  D’s is about 8 inches long and 7 1/2 inches around and that’s close to the same for the ex BF.  With the ex BF we tried so many times even one day he spent about 6 hours in trying to stretch both holes and in the end nothing really changed he was only able to put the head of his cock in my ass and nothing more, and sex with him well it’s was always just once every 3 or 4 days due to recovery time. D broke the silent and my train of thought and asked me what I was thinking about,  I told him and I vowed to myself to make an appointment for the doctor and see if there is anything I could do, to that I could at least take him better and have less recovery time with regular sex.  He laughed and said “Oh yeah like he’s going to tell you how to make it losser when everyone else is asking him to tighten it up.”  I laughed and then told him that I was serious! That it bothers me that we can’t do it all the time.   He smiled and caressed my chin with his hand and said I’m not worried about it.

I know in this life and even more in this lifestyle that it’s hard to connect with someone.  We connected right off when we first met on his first trip to that town south of here, I with him and him me.  When we met it was just a validation since we got along so well the first time we talked on line, and then on the phone and all those weekends we met when we didn’t have sex.  Our friendship grew, he was like me, he wanted a long term relationship.  On the drive back we talked about the things that we wanted and what we thought about in terms of “Us”.   He mentioned to me about getting me a trainer, since I’m so badly in need of one and since when he’s here he wanted to spend good quality time.  Though I trust him I wasn’t sure about this.  I’m not sure I could be trained by just anyone he picks. He asked for recommendations, he asked if I new anyone that could and would train me that I trusted, I thought about how I wish there was someone I trusted enough but I couldn’t as if I had found someone this far I probably would have been with them and we would not have contacted each other.  I did make a suggestion but it was out of just coming up with someone,  I suggested R.  Though with R, I new he could do it,  it is that he’s so very unreliable since he works so much and is always out of town for work as well.  I know I should want to do this for him but really deep down I just want him to do the training, though I didn’t tell him.   We agreed that both of us would look for someone to train me and put them all in to pot and then pick the best two and then see where that goes.   He told me to contact R about what we talked about.  Though I had been talking with R on line off and on, I wasn’t sure about this, wasn’t sure about R in general.  Though it wouldn’t be part of the training, R doesn’t fit me either. 

Well all in all it was a really fun weekend, and enjoyed and loved spending time with D, but to answer sub teach’s questions. No I’m not in love with him, I like him a lot and love the things he does and our relationship but for me (Now) love is something develops over time, through experiences and time spent with each other, getting to know the person and learn what they are about.   Love has to do with loving someone, all their good and all there bad as well as the ability spend time together, and communicate, but I am in like and in lust, have been since we first met.  There are qualities that I love about him, he’s a “Got his act together, no drama” kind of guy, that’s attractive and draws me to him.  My pictures will be put up again soon, where I housed them before closed down; I just haven’t had the time to upload them to a new place.

Weekend With D… part II

We finished getting ready, I packed my over night bag and grabbed the “Goodie bag”, turned and handed it to him and told him it was his to do what he wanted with it. He smiled and said “You might regret saying that as he raised one eye brow up”  I laughed and  smiled and told him “Yes, I probably will but it’s too late now to take that back.”  He smiled and said “let’s go!” We got in the car and took off on the drive to Sin City.  Talking most of the way, about normal couple stuff, more about experiences and what each other likes and didn’t like in life, sex, BDSM etc… We also talked about what we thought went wrong in previous relationships and about the hurdles we also had a head of us. Plus the fun we thought we’d have in Vegas and the things we might do while we are there.  Right before we passed the Dam he said okay this is the point of no return, I looked at him puzzled and he said while we are in Vegas you will my sub and act accordingly or suffer the consequences do you understand.  I laughed while I looked forward toward the dam,  and he slapped my thigh and said in a firm voice “I asked you a question and you need to answer me quickly!” That snapped me out of my laughter and but I was still smiling and I told him “Yes” in an excited voice as I was very excited about it we’d talked about it but I didn’t’ think we’d be starting that yet.  He then cocked his head as if I had told him to eat shit and he reached up and grabbed the back and bottom of my hair and pulled it and he said “What?”.  I was so shocked I looked at him and said quickly “Yes Sir!”  He released my hair and said “Okay that’s much better, but you need to look down when you answer me.”  He then said “Okay then let’s go and get this party started” and he smiled and with that as he drove across the Dam.  All I could think was WOW!  hehehe Until then he hadn’t really showed me his Domness even though we talked about it and he told me,  I just grasped that he truly was.

We didn’t have reservations but with the economy being as it is, we didn’t think it would be a problem, so we thought we’d first try to stay at Caesar’s and we were able to get a nice room there.  We got to the room and before we headed down to check out the place, he also checked into a going to a show, that evening and was able to get tickets for a popular group which I won’t name here in this Blog so that it won’t be pulled in to vanillas that are looking on line and that are searching for that band. When he got off the phone, he looked at me and told me that we’ve got tickets, not the best but not the worst either.  I smiled at him because he’s such an action man, he thinks of something and doesn’t hesitate.  He then got out the goodie bag, opened it up and dumped the contents of it on the bed.  I blushed and smiled and he went through my nasty belongings.  He told remember what I told you about once we got here you were to be sub to me?  I looked at him in the eyes and nodded yes.  He got up halfway, reaching for my hands and grabbed them and pulled me toward him, and pulled me over his lap, pulled up my skirt and pulled down my panties and spanked me 3 good hard spanks, I called out saying OUCH!  He paused and then said “You look down and say Yes Sir” when I address you!.  WOW hehehe I was so surprised but it was cool, he was going to keep me in line while were there.  I knew it, he told me and we talked about it but I just kind of forgot, but here he was reminding me immediately.  I had tried to look up at him while he was talking, thinking that I should but he told me that I needed to look down and listen that he wasn’t done. I quickly looked down and said “Yes Sir” he swatted my butt 3 more times, I felt it get a little warm, he’s got big hands and a heavy swing. When he was done he spread my cheeks and I blushed knowing he was looking at my hole, my heart started to beat faster, it’s hot and embarrassing all at the same time, he didn’t know it but it was getting me wet. Then he slightly brushed it, with his finger, then said, this nice little hole is going to be invaded he paused and I started to think of the Goodie bag dumped out on the bed right there beside him, and he did too because he reached for something and then I felt it caressing my ass crack as he had done with his hand, what ever it was he put it down and then I felt him reach for another and he did the same thing.  He then said yes this is the one, I like the color of it and how it looks with your skin.  He slightly pushed it on my anus but did not push it in.  “Yes, that will do nicely” he said, and I could hear a smile in his voice while he said that.  He then put it in his left hand which was close to my head and brought it up to my face so I could see, and said “See this is what’s going to go into you later on tonight”   I all I could about is oh my Gosh he’s good!  I’m going to be thinking about that going in me, until it does, till he sees fit to put it in me. He then spanked me one good last time and told me, “okay get up now” as he helped me up, he was still sitting and reached down to my ankles where my panties had fallen around my ankles when I stood up and he pulled them up and as he did he looked at me in the eye and he didn’t have to say a thing I promptly looked down and told him “Thank You Sir” and he smiled and told me that’s my girl.  He looked at me and then at the bed at the dildo that he had showed me, in doing that I of course looked and yes, I got that thought back in my mind just as he wanted me to think about it.

He said “Okay lets go down and check out the place”, so we did, we walked through the casino looking around at the people gambling, he was holding my hand most of the time and it was nice I felt protected and cared for.  He decided that we should find a place to eat at even thought it was early as we didn’t want to eat late, I had told him of the long lines to get into to a place just to eat, though they weren’t as busy as the last time I had gone, still it was the weekend. So we popped into a café and got dinner, as I sat down he quietly asked if I could still fill the heat from his hand and I took his lead and quietly and very low said “Yes Sir” he smiled big and I did to knowing that I had pleased him.  When we got back to the room he had enough time to get ready and I started to get undressed to change into what I was wearing for the Concert out of my casual travel cloths and into something nicer.  I was facing the bed and just then he came up behind me and he kissed the back of my neck, so hard that I thought it would leave a mark as he bit me a little, he pushed me forward a bit so I’d be closer to the bed and bent me over and pulled down my panties that were still on.  He caressed my butt cheeks and then spanked them with his left hand which was almost as hard as his right hand.  He then spread my cheeks and put his cock right up in front of my ass and pushed a little like if he was going push it in.  I leaned forward and bent my legs in attempt kind of get away. He’s voice got stern and he said, “You don’t trust me.”  He pulled me back into place by my hips and said, “Do you really think that I’d enter your tight ass with out lube?  He was right, I did think that since he was pushing, it scared me and so I told him that it scared me, so I told him “I’m Sorry Sir”. He said “You, my lovely slut are in desperate need of training!”  and I responded “Yes Sir”.  He then went for something on the bed and then brought it back and then I heard him squeeze the lube bottle. I was really afraid of what he’d do next.  You see he’s got a really large cock and my pussy was still sore from it from the night before and my ass WAS NOT ready to be invaded by his big tool, and I knew we didn’t have the time it would take for him to get it ready and stretched out a bit… but that didn’t matter right then I had to trust him and wait to see what he’d do.  He reached around to my breast with his left hand and he quickly lifted off my under wire bra, leaving it on but letting my breast hang down and swing from being sprung from there confinement of the bra. He pinched my nipple and twisted it a little and pinched it again.. and I took a deep breath, my breast are supper sensitive and it hurt but then that was the point of what he was doing. I felt so exposed with my boobs hanging there and me bent over like that. He then stood up and he reached down to my pussy and rubbed it and then dipped his finger in me I thought he had lubed his finger but he then said oh your afraid of my cock in your ass but then you give your self away because your wet.  I blushed I felt myself get red and thought he knows I really like this, I couldn’t pretend I didn’t if I wanted to.   He then put his right foot in between my legs and then pressed it out to spread my right leg and then did the same with his left foot to my left leg, I love the feeling this gives me, I get a rush from it, I feel so sub but he doesn’t know it.  I tensed up and gripped the bedspread getting ready for him to ram his cock into my pussy and tear me again.  He patted my butt lightly to get my attention and said it’s ok “Baby I’ll go slow, it will be okay” and I instantly started to relax, he was holding on to my hips while he started to slide his huge head into me, I felt my lips parting and my opening open up to his torpedo.. it did feel sore and hurt a bit but it was also good.  I started to relax a bit more, the more it went in, even though I knew that I’d probably tear a bit more later on. I didn’t care at this point, he felt so good going into me. I went down to my elbows and dropped my head down on my arms that were crossed below my head, this gave him better access as he slid into me, he told me “Good Girl” as he patted my butt with his hand and he started to talk to me, telling me how good my pussy feels and as he did that I tried to tighten it up though it was really hard to do that since he’s so big I tried and he felt that and I heard him go “ummm” and say “yes that’s the way baby, you can do it.. you can take it all it all for me can’t you.”  “Your pussy feels so good, you’re doing good, it’s almost all in.”   The whole time he was rocking it in, pushing it in a bit then pulling it out a bit and pushing it in a little more, and adding more lube to his shaft as he pulled out.  I know I was tighter than the night before I was still swollen inside, normally I need 3 or 4 days to heal when I’ve been with really large men before, but I didn’t care right then it also felt so good, it had been so long since I had had sex that I was going to get it while I could and enjoy it!  I he pumped me and it was going really good and I started to come and as I did, I grabbed on to the bedspread as I started to shake I was surprised that I was coming I thought I was too sore to start to come and then he brought my mind back by spanking my butt and he said, your not supposed to come.. he then squired some lube on my ass and quickly pushed a finger in and I gasped as I came so hard and as I did I told him “I’m sorry Sir” it’s just too much, I can’t help it.. and then not missing a beat in fucking me now faster he said “You can hold back and you WILL learn to cum on command and only when you ask and I say you can” he stuck his finger in my ass again and I moaned and came again and he laughed and said you really like to be double fucked don’t you, my nasty slut?  Him doing this.. well he was just so Dommly, I loved hearing his words.  Now as a Dom and the night before when he told me he really loved it when I cum, he gets a lot of joy knowing his turning me on and pushing the right buttons on me, but we here in Sin city and I was a sub.  He continued to double fuck me and then said “Cum with me” and I did as he thrust his cock up into me so far I thought I’d split in two, at the same time his finger when into my ass up high and we wiggled it around as if he was cranking his finger in me.. I screamed out and was panting, it was sooo much and we both felt forward with him on top of me, I liked the fill of him on my hand pinned down with his weight and his cock in my pussy and his strong thighs on top of mine and he didn’t pull out right away.. he likes to keep it in me, he would stay hard for a bit and then I’d feel him make it jump and then my pussy would do the same, till he went soft and slid it out of me, he pulled him self out of me. I lay there, I was spent and right there at that point I didn’t even care if we went to the concert.

Luckily we still had time and so we rested, he grabbed my phone and set the timer on it for 20 min, I told him that we didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to and he said “No, were going!  You’re not going to get out of it that quick!” and I thought and looked puzzled at him and he said “See you already forgot.” and I had, I had forgotten about the dildo that he had pointed out earlier.  Then I thought oh my gosh he’s going to make me wear it to the concert!  I guess my thoughts showed on my face and he patted my arm and said “That’s okay babe, you don’t have to worry about that now, just rest for now” and with that we doze off.

To be continued… ..

Weekend with D

From the time I last wrote so much has happened.  I continue to talk and see D and he came down on another business trip/extended weekend.  We needed to reconnect and there were things that we needed to discuss in person. He came to the state on Thursday night we meet for dinner before he had to leave to a town south of where the airport was as that’s where his early morning business meeting was to be held the next day. I didn’t go with him as I still wanted to get things ready for him for the weekend at my place.  I then drove down to meet him on Friday, he finished his work earlier than expected called me that he was ready to being our weekend and I’d better be ready too because we were going to have fun!  We had a late lunch at a nice Mexican place and then turned in his rental car.  We drove back in my car talking the whole way of work (since it was the same type as mine used to be in) I find him so smart and technical I love talking techie!   We also talked about our experiences with other relationships; I love it when a man isn’t threatened by hearing stories of men in my past.  He told me that he likes to hear as he can learn a lot about me and what makes me tick, and then he winked at me.   He’s so analytical, just like me! It’s really nice when someone asks questions and they truly want to learn about you. I liked hearing his stories too and we’d ask probing questions of each other, the more we talked the more we felt connected.  We got back to my place and I fixed us a drink then we went to my bed room where we proceeded to undress each other.  I’m going to stop there as we did make love and it was our first time.  I want to keep our first time private, just between him and I. But I’ll say it was romantic, hot and we enjoyed each other immensely!  In my reply to substitute teacher’s comment in my last post, I did say that he was Dom, but he and I wanted our first time to be vanilla because our relationship is a mixture of both.  We also think that there is the added benefit to seeing how we respond to each others touch, me to him without being made to and I to him without worrying if I was doing what he wanted the way he wanted it. Our affection flowed naturally; it was perfect for us to do it this way.

Saturday we slept in lying in bed talking.  I made coffee and a light breakfast while I let him lay in bed with his laptop checking up on work. Then we ate in bed, with the plate full of fruit, cheese and toast with jelly on the side, juice and coffee. We started to talk about what we could do the rest of the day, when he turned to me and smiled, he surprised me by telling me that since we were so close that we were going to go to Vegas for some fun and debauchery!  His eyebrows lifted up and down like he knew it was a great idea.   He spanked my butt and told me come on now get ready and don’t forget your bag of goodies!  He could see how much I liked surprises and being spontaneous, it was going to be a fuuunnn day!  Once it sunk in, I jumped up took hold of his hand took him to the bathroom then turned on the shower. While it warmed up I gave him a big kiss right there in front of it before we got in.  We showered with my new fancy shower head.  It has a big Rain Shower head as well as a hand wand.  I bathed him then he me, we lathered each other up good then rinsing ourselves off clean with the the shower wand and then switched it back to the rain shower.  When he was all rinsed I gave him a kiss on the lips and then I went down to my knees and started to lick him and his balls all over, I then started to suck on his huge cock.  I was paying attention to his head with my tongue and then I’d quickly sucked down his cook till it touched the back of my throat, I’d keep it there holding my breath as it was so big it would block my air way completely! I sucked and pumped him till I got going faster and faster deep throating him as much as I could.  I couldn’t take him all he’s just to long and big and my narrow throat stops him but I did what I could and would look up at him with the rain from the shower falling down on my head, mouth and around his shaft, he’d look at me smiling, at that point my hands were on the sides of his hips to hold on to him and so that I could take more of him down my throat, as I pumped him. He then put his hands on top of mine and I looked up at him as he moaned and threw his head back, he started to come deep in my throat, I couldn’t feel it because he was so far back but I felt his cock pulsating on my tongue and on my lips as he shot his load into me.  When he was done he slowly pulled it out while I keep a light suction on it so that when his head hit my tongue I could taste his cum.  I licked the small beads of cum that dripped out of his tip and then licked my lips, his cum tasted good as the water continued to fall down on my face and around my lips, I gently licked some water drops off his shaft and kissed the his bush of hair above it then pulled back.   His cock looked fabulous nicely red and with the veins popping out still, looking up at him with his eyes closed breathing deeply and and smiling before his lost cock when back to normal.

He brought me up to him as he leaned against the shower wall and pulled me close to him and kissed me as the water fell on my back and butt.  He kissed me as his hand then went between my legs and he started to finger me, rubbing my clit and dipping is middle finger into me drawing out my juices and rubbing me some me again, then dipping his big finger into me again and pulling it out and then turning his head to his hand that he had just pulled out that wasn’t in the stream of water and licked my wetness off of his finger and then he looked at me and said “Babe you got wet sucking me” he chuckled and then said “Now it’s your turn”  He turned off the shower and we got out, he draped my towel around the front of me and then pulled me back to the bed where he laid me down on the center. He told me to scoot up more and then he spread my legs and lifted my knees.  He kissed the inside of my thighs as he went in further and started to lick the water that was still on my skin as he neared my lips and then he parted them with his tongue.  He found my pulsing clit, gently stroking it with his tongue, then I felt his finger at the entrance  and he slowly worked it into me, his big finger felt wonderful I was a bit sore from the night before; he’s so big and so thick that he tore me a bit, but his finger was just fine and I was wet in spite of just getting out of the shower. He started to pump his finger in and out of me keeping time with his tongue, then he did this thing where  suck my clit and then pressed it hard with his strong tongue and with that I was off!  I started to cum and buck trying to meet his hand and feeling him in me up to his knuckles, he never removed his head, I was cumming so much, my hands moved from his head to my side, gripping the sheets as my heels dug into the bed I started to push my self back and as I did that he his long left arm reached up across my body and grabbed my right shoulder, I was so wet, I had gushed and he eagerly lapping it up, I was moaning and screaming out when he put another finger in me and pumped it a few times, I felt my tear open a bit again and I pulled away but he held me by my shoulders and told me “it’s ok” and he pulled that one out, it was wet with my juices, he stopped and then started again then I felt that wet finger go in to my ass.  Oh my gosh that was it!  I was over the top!  Cumming and screaming out, I really didn’t think I could take more with out shorting out, the bottoms of my feet were on fire and my head was arched back and my chest forward as I came so hard, then he slowed the pace down and suction kissed my throbbing button, I jerked quickly, it was too much and told him “oww no more”, I was too sensitive. He laughed and said “ok, that should hold you till we get to Vegas.”  He slowly pulled his fingers out of both holes ever so slowly and gently, then he kissed the inside of my thigh. He got up and went to wash his face, shave and do the normal morning routing in getting ready as I lay there unable to move, legs shaking and heart still racing. I was watching him get ready when I caught him looking at me while I lay there recuperating, smiling at me, with a grin of pride of what he’d done to me.

When he was about done he came to me and spanked the out side of my thigh and told me “Come on now get up, we’ve got to get on the road” he extended his arm out for me and I grabbed it and he helped pull me up.  As I sat up I got a little dizzy and then I felt my cum drip out of me,   I was glad I was sitting partly on the towel that had been on me when I got out of the shower.  I told him I was dripping out and he smiled again at me as he helped pull me up to standing and grabbed the towel that was under me and wiped me, rubbing my sore sensitive cookie. He kissed me on my forehead and then spanked my butt and said you should be ok now, get moving girl! I smiled at him because I could see his Dommly manner show through a bit with his order and the look he threw me.  I continued to smile, I was happy, I knew that the rest of this weekend was going to be really fun!

To be continued…..

A little about D

I met D online last Oct, he came into my life at the right time, just as things started to go South with J.  D is an open sweet man, caring of my feelings and thoughts.  He is a protector.  I feel safe with him by his actions, words and stature.  He likes to hold my hand He is happy and happy with his life, he’s successful in his career. He’s is sweet to me and likes to call me “Baby” or by my name.  The way he says it with his accent is so cute.  D is a manly man with strong facial features but yet he’s got a young look to it as well, his physical appearance is right on the money for me, he’s extremely tall, standing 6’3”, he doesn’t have any fat on his body yet he’s not skinny either.  He’s physically very strong but yet not bulging muscles like a body builder. He has a youthful face which makes him look younger than his is, though he’s only a few months younger than me.  Some say I look younger than others my age, could be the same youthful face as him, which is why I think we look great together.  He’s got light brown hair, warm smile, which he flashes to me all the time.  His eyes are a light blue but it’s the dimple on his chin that gets to me.  What I like best is about him is what he likes in me, and how he just comes right out and tells me.

D was here for a day a few weeks ago and we went to a nice out of town tourist spot.  It’s cooler there so we were able to walk around and look at the shops and talking the whole time we were there, getting to know each other and it was just so comfortable with him,  So yes we talked about sex and he’s pretty open in talking which I like a lot, couldn’t be with a man that couldn’t talk about it.  No we didn’t have any, no time and he nor I wanted to rush it, though we’d been talking for a while this was just a no pressure day trip.  After all he is a Southern gentle man. 

Reflection cont…..

I’m sorry if this has taken me a while to get back to my Blog.  I had mentioned before I’d be away traveling, and that’s where I’ve been, away traveling, having fun and visiting friends and relatives.  I thought I’d have the time being away to upload this post but I didn’t have the time, nor the internet connection for my Mini Notebook.  I am back home now and will be concentrating my efforts on my resume, looking for a job and completing some Major projects.  I had a great time being away and it’s had an added effect of helping clear my mind and let things go, to help me start anew.

As far as J, I have to say that it wasn’t him in the post titled “Nasty Girl”  I wanted to make that clear.  J and I … well we just aren’t.    I haven’t had sex with him since Last October, so it’s going on almost a year now, and haven’t done anything BDSM since maybe March or April and even then it was just a little play not a session.  We still talk shop on occasion; I guess you can say we’re now slight vanilla friends.  I’ve gotten the impression that he doesn’t really care for me at all and by what comments I’ve received here and in emails, he never really did.  But mostly it’s because of the things I mentioned in that post, 4 post ago that is now hidden.  Some read it and commented, but any ways he’s now got me on “Show as invisible” on messenger, he’ll chat with me on line once and a while and when I IM him most of them, probably more than half go unanswered.  So I gather he must really dislike me.  Those and many other things have finally made me realize that he could really careless about me.  In my Blog paper Journal I had written them all down, and I was going to post them here because I thought if I wrote about it and posted it here, that it would help me let go, but in fact just writing has done that, seeing it in my own handwriting has brought it to the surface and made it clear for me to see.  So I won’t be posting that last writing here because really I don’t see the point anymore. I saw that he didn’t want or need me anymore so I did the most sub thing I’ve ever done, I gave up.  I submitted to the situation. I realized that in doing that, that I was a sub, so I changed my profile from bottom to sub.

So J’s clearly has moved on, he doesn’t want or desire me, he’s now has two subs and is happy.  One of them is A who had broken his heart at one time; she was the topic of that post that’s now hidden if you recall.  I recently saw him and her, I was watching his pup and had taken the pup back to his house, and she was there too.  I thought it odd that she wouldn’t really look at me, well at least not while I was looking her way, then I remembered how he had once asked me a few months ago what it was it that A and me would talk about when we had talked on line and that at that one lunch we had together.  I thought back to the post where I wrote it, and knowing that he never saw that I felt safe in saying “Nothing really”, after all he had told me that he’d never go back with her.  I didn’t want to talk about her.  Well maybe that’s why she couldn’t look me in the eyes, and maybe that’s why he asked me that question… maybe she told him something different, I don’t really know, just found that odd.  Then the day I was driving back home from being out of state, I got a text from her saying sorry for being rude and grouchy and unsociable that morning I had brought the pup back.  It went on a for a few more long sentences and I thought about it then and responded politely and with understanding and I really meant it, in doing that I realized that it didn’t matter to me, none of it matters.  I’m happy for him and his subs and I think he found what he’s always been looking for; if anything I always want him to be happy.

As for my personal life, After a long hiatus of traveling, family, fun and an adventure or two, I’m settling down to get busy looking for a job.  I’ve gone on a few dates with R, but just as friends, no sex.  I’m happy to spend time with him and hang out once and a while though he’s still really busy with work and his family.  I’ve known him for so long, it feels good to spend time with someone so familiar with me and who wants to spend a little time with me reconnecting.

I’ve also started to see another man D,  I’ve known him for about 8 months, at the time when we met we soon found out that we’d be endangering our jobs as we worked for a competing company and well he knew and I knew to much proprietary information that I didn’t want him or I to risk it.  Especially him as he was much higher up in his company that I was, he had the greater risk, but now that I’m no longer working at mine, well maybe we’ll see whats ahead.   Really, work is the last thing on our minds.   I’ll post more about him later.

Well it was a long long winter, but the summer’s made up for it.   I like this Quote:  “No matter where you are good or bad things will change.”  It’s helped though the rough times.  Remember that after all it will all get better in time….

Just know that I’m happy and enjoying Life and looking forward to the fall.   

A Reflection

I think that the next few post have been by far the hardest postings to write, and the reason why I have put it off for so long.

So what’s going on in my life?  On my employment, I was one of the many that was picked from my works headcount reduction.  Though I knew I‘d most likely would get picked and was ready for it emotionally and financially I find myself felling as J would say “Not in my Top Space”.  Though I’m not a Dom it’s basically the same feelings.  So with knowing that I decided that I needed some much time off,  a break from my life or what my life was since change was going to and had started to happen anyway a bit of a vacation or a sabbatical was in order. It’s going on 2 and a half months now, but having too much “down time” is not good for me I have found that I need purpose and most defiantly some passionate goals.  It also has given me too much time to think.  Thinking about work is one of them, nothing sad though I miss a few favorite co-workers and the actual work that I did.  I don’t miss the politics or some of the disrespectful and lazy co-workers but I enjoyed what I did and the people I helped.  The other thing I think about is what all happened with J. Well with all of this that went on I know that friends are concerned about me, they call to check up on me they know or understand that it’s not so much the loss of the job that’s bother me but they know something is.  I’m pretty good at showing them my happy go lucky side, and good at acting when they ask about my social life.  I’ve told some that I’m taking a break right now, not seeing anyone and concentrating on me and the classes and resume writing that  I need to do, “too busy to date”  and if they don’t buy that because some know me better, then I add that “I’ve gone green!” saying it with a big grin on my face.  They show me a puzzled look and I tell them that “I’m recycling old boy friend’s” we laugh as I joke about it and I tell them that now isn’t a good time to start to see someone new.  They always nod and say they could totally understand that, they see me laughing and smiling and dismiss their thoughts of doubts that anything was wrong.  This isn’t a lie, some of the ex-boyfriends have come around and have gotten in contact with me, but my hearts not in it and it just isn’t going to work out.  They are ex’s for a reason.  Later on I’ll write in a different post a few things more about that.

In truth I’m not depressed, I know this as I still find joy in my life and I’m for the most part happy and not worried.  So maybe it’s a little bit of a mourning process that I’m going through, or a reflection, for the loss of purpose in going to a job, doing work and being needed, for the loss of what I lost with J, the loss of being and learning to be a sub, and the loss of having a secret life within the lifestyle. This is something that only J, myself and you reading this know about.

So maybe the lesson I need to learn is how to put structure and discipline in my life without the “have too’s”.  As in having to report to work and to be on time. About meeting deadlines with projects I self impose on myself.  Doing what I’m supposed too and doing household task’s without J telling me to.  Making myself complete things without having a Dom to check up on me or ask me about it.  Though, really in writing this I think that I’m worried because I don’t know if I can.  Is that not one of the reasons that I was drawn to this lifestyle to begin with?  Is it because I need this structure and craved the discipline when the task or correction wasn’t completed as directed?  I wonder if I can really self motivate myself.  Perhaps that’s why I feel lost.  Oh yes, I know “Just find another Dom!” some would say but I can’t even log on to the lifestyle websites that I used to go to. It’s just too hard to at this point.  So I guess I’m stuck, I can’t turn right and I won’t let myself turn left.  In the middle I’ll stay for now, where it’s safe.  Of course I miss doing things with J but I have for a while already, but that seems to be done, well that’s all I’m going write about on that for now, because wanting to do things and missing doing them with J isn’t going to change things and a few post back I wrote a statement saying that I was going to keep things positive, so all I’ll say for now is that I’m just living life with a positive outlook, having fun with friends and things I like to do.  Life is really too short not to have fun and to enjoy it, and I am enjoying it!

Nasty Girl

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote but the last few months have been chaotic and hard on me.  So this first part is an update:  My Mom’s health is doing better, much better and improving daily and I’m not so worried about her like I was.  She’s at my sisters but working on going home.  My Job situation is still unknown but  next  week, we’ll all know, though I do know already that I will be cut.  I’m ok with it and it’s not going to be shock to me when they tell me like I know others will when they find out they are leaving.  I  still have plans B, C and D ready, A’s already been eliminated.

It’s so nice to have distractions  in times like this…

One Monday a few weeks ago, I was resting on my bed contemplating going to work later on and thinking of what I needed to get done when I heard a knock at the door.  I sprung up and went down stairs and peeped through the peep hole to see who it was.  Seeing who it was I quickly opened the door  I smiled and moved aside so that he could come in.  We gave each other a big hug, and then we kissed slow and passionate.  It was so good to be in his arms again.  I took his coat, he’d come over on the motorcycle, we hugged again then suddenly he turned around to get behind me and he spanked my bottom with his bare hand, and he said “Come on Missy! We don’t have all day!”.  I giggled as I walked up the steps in my pink night gown with no panties under it, I got a few more whacks on my ass to make me move up those stairs faster and I took the hint and put a spring in my step.

When we got to my room he walked to the foot of the bed and he turned and pulled me closer to him, he grabbed the bottom of my gown and pulled it up and I raised my arms as he did that.  I was standing there naked and he reached for my breast and pinched my nipples with his fingers before he brought his head down to suck on the left one while still pinching the right one.  After sucking and biting on the left for a while he moved to the right of me.  It was intense with me standing there naked before him while he was totally dressed.  As he sucked and bit my nipples harder I moaned and my hands that were on his head and neck suddenly entwined in is hair as I pulled him closer to my breast.  He was going back and forth from one wet nipple to an other, then he stood up straight and looked me in the eye and I reached for him, to up buckle the button on his jeans and pausing a moment and looked up to see if he’d stop me, he didn’t, his jeans dropped to the floor and then he pulled off his shirt and then his socks. He stood there naked for a minute and I gazed at his beautiful sexy body, I’ve always loved it.  Then he came back to me and pinched my right nipple as he stepped behind me and turned me to face my bed.   He then told me to bend over and he pushed my back down with one hand and out of no where with no warning he started to spanked me and it was not light!  He was using his strong hands in a tennis serve type of pulling back and then letting it swing out till it was stopped by my butt.  It stung like crazy and I was surprised.  Being a wimpy sub that I am, I was letting out little yelps of “Ouch!!”  He laughed and said “Oh so you think that hurts?”  I replied with an “umm huh”.  He stopped for a second and said in a serious firm voice “you know your gonna get more of that so you might as well learn to take it! Now get up on the bed on your hands and knees” I did that then he said to me “Spread your leg’s” as I did that he said “More” and I did then he said “Now chest and shoulders down, I want them laying on the bed.”  I reached for a small pillow for my head and then I closed my eyes as I felt his hand pulling my ass cheeks apart, I took a deep breath as my heart raced, knowing that he was looking at me and at my exposed  ass.  I closed my eye tight as I felt his warm breath on me, cringing as I knew he was looking up close, inspecting me, my hole.  Then unexpectedly I felt something warm and wet drip down on me, it was his spit and I felt his finger rub it around then push into me about an inch then and another glob of spit.  I hadn’t expected that, I thought he’d ask for some lube.  He stared to push his finger in deeper and I moaned as he did.  It felt so good and yet it was hard to take at the same time, I started to take deep breaths to help me deal with what he was doing to me.  He went deeper and then started to pump me and twist his finger as he was going in and out.  I had started to wiggle when he first  went in and out of me  then  as it became so much more to take, I had already started to cum when he pulled his finger out half way and told me to push back on it .  I found it was hard to concentrate on what he was asking of me, I was already so lost into the pleasure and uncomfortableness that I didn’t get what he had asked me the first time, so I did nothing.  With that he spanked me with his other hand and told me again to move back on it, telling me “You need to do it, to do what I tell you.  Unless you want me to put another finger in you.  Do you want that?  Him telling me that brought me out of my cum trance quick!  I then tried really hard to push back.  He encouraged me saying “That’s it come on back, now fuck your self, you know you love it, you nasty girl. You’re a nasty girl aren’t you G?”  You like things shoved into you and just as he said that one of his other fingers slid into my dripping wet pussy and I let out a moan and I started to cum in waves as he pumped them in and out of me.  Slamming them up into me till he hit knuckle and pulling them out fast and then shoving them in again repeatedly.  He was doing this fast and hard, and my cum was splashing as his knuckles hit my wet pussy.  I was dripping wet when he finally pulled both is fingers out of me, letting me drip on to the bed cover.

He went over to the bathroom where he washed up while he did that he said “I have something else in mind for you” as he dried his hands he went over to where my toys were, and was looking them over.  I heard him say “That’s not big enough” as he picked up something and then let it drop from his hands, like if it was pointless, then the next “nope not that either”  *drop* then I heard a “humm”.  My stomach sank, I was a bit afraid of what he had found and I closed my eyes hoping I could think quick of what I had  that he found useful of all my toys, which one he thought would be “Big Enough”.  Then he said “now for the lube” so he searched for that, he was opening up my cabinets (which drives me nuts) he could have just asked where it was so I could tell him but no he opened them all up.  I was just going to point and tell him where the regular o’l sex lube was when he said “Oh I found it, a nice big jar of Vaseline!”  Right then I exhaled in a big sigh.  I knew with him finding the Vaseline that the big thing he found wasn’t going into my pussy, and with him putting his finger in me… well it was just a warm up.

As he came back into the room, I was pulling my self up to the hands and knees position, moving my legs closer together, doing so made me feel less exposed as my ass wasn’t so exposed.  It was a short and temporary denial of the situation that I was in.  He stood behind me he told me to bring my knee’s to the edge of the bed and to spread them, then my chest to the bed like before but only my arms were to be by my side next to my knees with my palms up.  As I was getting into position he asked me “Do you know what happens to bad nasty girls?”  I said “no” as I didn’t want to give him any ideas.  Then she said “I think you do! I think you know that they get spanked and he stared to spank me with his hands, one on each butt cheeks.  I was saying ouch every time he spanked me, he was using a very heavy hand and the spanking was extra hard.  He said “You’re gonna have to learn to tolerate more than that because bad girls get spanked and they get things put up there butts. My butt tried to clench when I heard the Vaseline jar lid open.  I heard him talking, saying  “Now we just need to get some of this in you” as I felt the cool glob of the Vaseline touch my hole and get pushed in, “and then some more” as a bigger glop got shoved into me.  I closed my eyes as he worked it in me with his finger.  Then I felt it…. the one he picked out was my big purple straight, smoothed gelled dildo.  I have had it me before but only in doing tasks that I had to do before, for photos, but then I had the control, in how much and how fast it went into me.  With that in mind I asked him to please go slow, I was truly frightened that I’d experience some pain if it went into me faster than I imagined.  With a firm voice he said “I’ll do what I want” and I didn’t reply and was truly wondering what it was that I was going to experience next. He slide the tip of the purple dildo in me by pushing in and pulling out and then pushing in a little further and pulling out, he did that until 2 inches were in me good and then he pushed it up all the way filling me and making me gasp and let out a moaning squeal.  He left it there in me and was looking at the site of it and watching me breath deeply.  I think he was letting me get used to it in me. Then he got hold if it again and started to butt fuck me with it,  in and out as fast as he could go putting one hand on my butt and the other pounding away at me.  I was cumming and gushing, moaning and screaming out as I came one right after another, He said ‘ That’s it come on gush for me!”  he just kept on going and taking me beyond where I thought I couldn’t take anymore, he started to slow down fucking me with the dildo, and I thought he was getting ready to take it out of me when he started up again fast and at the same time shoving two fingers into my pussy, pumping me like  a piston, I was screaming and trying to scream into the pillow, my arms were griping the sheets and holding on to them like if they were keeping me from drowning.  I came and had one last long and powerful organism and then he slowed everything down and then stopped.  He pulled the dildo out nice and slow so that I could feel the length of it slipping out and then his fingers but as he pulled them out he brushed my clit with his thumb which made me yell out and lunge forward in an attempt to get away from him from the supper stimuli.  He laughed really loud and he told me that I made him laugh. I was exhausted and totally spent. Lying on the bed having moved up on the bed, I stayed there on my stomach with my head to the side watching him get cleaned up, I love watching a man get ready in the morning, I was dozing on and off with a satisfied glow and smile on my face, I was exhausted and out of it.  He was talking to me but I don’t remember what he said from dozing on and off.

He came back into the room and sat down on the bed.  He reached out to me with his hand and stared to caress my back, and talking about the other things he wanted to try and had interest in, I agreed and responded with a nod or just and “um huh”.  I was trying really hard to hear what he was telling me but I couldn’t concentrate enough to reply with full sentence responses.  Then he told me he had to leave and go get ready for work.  He kissed my lips then my cheek and told me not to get up and I didn’t get up, I couldn’t.  I head the door close I nodded off again for a while…

Then I woke up…

Volunteer…

After thinking about this for a few days, I’ve come to the conclusion that…

I am a volunteer…

A willing participant, I signed up for it all and just like most volunteers, I did it with the best intentions, and hoping for  positive learning’s, a chance to explore, takes some calculated risk, and to bask in the light.. I wanted to learn more about me and others, to experience happiness, to connect and to share joy,  everything was so new, but I didn’t know what I was doing.

Pondering…

Recently someone said this to me, from the outside looking in

“Remember.. no victims.. only volunteers”

So I must take the time and think about it..