Nasty Girl

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote but the last few months have been chaotic and hard on me.  So this first part is an update:  My Mom’s health is doing better, much better and improving daily and I’m not so worried about her like I was.  She’s at my sisters but working on going home.  My Job situation is still unknown but  next  week, we’ll all know, though I do know already that I will be cut.  I’m ok with it and it’s not going to be shock to me when they tell me like I know others will when they find out they are leaving.  I  still have plans B, C and D ready, A’s already been eliminated.

It’s so nice to have distractions  in times like this…

One Monday a few weeks ago, I was resting on my bed contemplating going to work later on and thinking of what I needed to get done when I heard a knock at the door.  I sprung up and went down stairs and peeped through the peep hole to see who it was.  Seeing who it was I quickly opened the door  I smiled and moved aside so that he could come in.  We gave each other a big hug, and then we kissed slow and passionate.  It was so good to be in his arms again.  I took his coat, he’d come over on the motorcycle, we hugged again then suddenly he turned around to get behind me and he spanked my bottom with his bare hand, and he said “Come on Missy! We don’t have all day!”.  I giggled as I walked up the steps in my pink night gown with no panties under it, I got a few more whacks on my ass to make me move up those stairs faster and I took the hint and put a spring in my step.

When we got to my room he walked to the foot of the bed and he turned and pulled me closer to him, he grabbed the bottom of my gown and pulled it up and I raised my arms as he did that.  I was standing there naked and he reached for my breast and pinched my nipples with his fingers before he brought his head down to suck on the left one while still pinching the right one.  After sucking and biting on the left for a while he moved to the right of me.  It was intense with me standing there naked before him while he was totally dressed.  As he sucked and bit my nipples harder I moaned and my hands that were on his head and neck suddenly entwined in is hair as I pulled him closer to my breast.  He was going back and forth from one wet nipple to an other, then he stood up straight and looked me in the eye and I reached for him, to up buckle the button on his jeans and pausing a moment and looked up to see if he’d stop me, he didn’t, his jeans dropped to the floor and then he pulled off his shirt and then his socks. He stood there naked for a minute and I gazed at his beautiful sexy body, I’ve always loved it.  Then he came back to me and pinched my right nipple as he stepped behind me and turned me to face my bed.   He then told me to bend over and he pushed my back down with one hand and out of no where with no warning he started to spanked me and it was not light!  He was using his strong hands in a tennis serve type of pulling back and then letting it swing out till it was stopped by my butt.  It stung like crazy and I was surprised.  Being a wimpy sub that I am, I was letting out little yelps of “Ouch!!”  He laughed and said “Oh so you think that hurts?”  I replied with an “umm huh”.  He stopped for a second and said in a serious firm voice “you know your gonna get more of that so you might as well learn to take it! Now get up on the bed on your hands and knees” I did that then he said to me “Spread your leg’s” as I did that he said “More” and I did then he said “Now chest and shoulders down, I want them laying on the bed.”  I reached for a small pillow for my head and then I closed my eyes as I felt his hand pulling my ass cheeks apart, I took a deep breath as my heart raced, knowing that he was looking at me and at my exposed  ass.  I closed my eye tight as I felt his warm breath on me, cringing as I knew he was looking up close, inspecting me, my hole.  Then unexpectedly I felt something warm and wet drip down on me, it was his spit and I felt his finger rub it around then push into me about an inch then and another glob of spit.  I hadn’t expected that, I thought he’d ask for some lube.  He stared to push his finger in deeper and I moaned as he did.  It felt so good and yet it was hard to take at the same time, I started to take deep breaths to help me deal with what he was doing to me.  He went deeper and then started to pump me and twist his finger as he was going in and out.  I had started to wiggle when he first  went in and out of me  then  as it became so much more to take, I had already started to cum when he pulled his finger out half way and told me to push back on it .  I found it was hard to concentrate on what he was asking of me, I was already so lost into the pleasure and uncomfortableness that I didn’t get what he had asked me the first time, so I did nothing.  With that he spanked me with his other hand and told me again to move back on it, telling me “You need to do it, to do what I tell you.  Unless you want me to put another finger in you.  Do you want that?  Him telling me that brought me out of my cum trance quick!  I then tried really hard to push back.  He encouraged me saying “That’s it come on back, now fuck your self, you know you love it, you nasty girl. You’re a nasty girl aren’t you G?”  You like things shoved into you and just as he said that one of his other fingers slid into my dripping wet pussy and I let out a moan and I started to cum in waves as he pumped them in and out of me.  Slamming them up into me till he hit knuckle and pulling them out fast and then shoving them in again repeatedly.  He was doing this fast and hard, and my cum was splashing as his knuckles hit my wet pussy.  I was dripping wet when he finally pulled both is fingers out of me, letting me drip on to the bed cover.

He went over to the bathroom where he washed up while he did that he said “I have something else in mind for you” as he dried his hands he went over to where my toys were, and was looking them over.  I heard him say “That’s not big enough” as he picked up something and then let it drop from his hands, like if it was pointless, then the next “nope not that either”  *drop* then I heard a “humm”.  My stomach sank, I was a bit afraid of what he had found and I closed my eyes hoping I could think quick of what I had  that he found useful of all my toys, which one he thought would be “Big Enough”.  Then he said “now for the lube” so he searched for that, he was opening up my cabinets (which drives me nuts) he could have just asked where it was so I could tell him but no he opened them all up.  I was just going to point and tell him where the regular o’l sex lube was when he said “Oh I found it, a nice big jar of Vaseline!”  Right then I exhaled in a big sigh.  I knew with him finding the Vaseline that the big thing he found wasn’t going into my pussy, and with him putting his finger in me… well it was just a warm up.

As he came back into the room, I was pulling my self up to the hands and knees position, moving my legs closer together, doing so made me feel less exposed as my ass wasn’t so exposed.  It was a short and temporary denial of the situation that I was in.  He stood behind me he told me to bring my knee’s to the edge of the bed and to spread them, then my chest to the bed like before but only my arms were to be by my side next to my knees with my palms up.  As I was getting into position he asked me “Do you know what happens to bad nasty girls?”  I said “no” as I didn’t want to give him any ideas.  Then she said “I think you do! I think you know that they get spanked and he stared to spank me with his hands, one on each butt cheeks.  I was saying ouch every time he spanked me, he was using a very heavy hand and the spanking was extra hard.  He said “You’re gonna have to learn to tolerate more than that because bad girls get spanked and they get things put up there butts. My butt tried to clench when I heard the Vaseline jar lid open.  I heard him talking, saying  “Now we just need to get some of this in you” as I felt the cool glob of the Vaseline touch my hole and get pushed in, “and then some more” as a bigger glop got shoved into me.  I closed my eyes as he worked it in me with his finger.  Then I felt it…. the one he picked out was my big purple straight, smoothed gelled dildo.  I have had it me before but only in doing tasks that I had to do before, for photos, but then I had the control, in how much and how fast it went into me.  With that in mind I asked him to please go slow, I was truly frightened that I’d experience some pain if it went into me faster than I imagined.  With a firm voice he said “I’ll do what I want” and I didn’t reply and was truly wondering what it was that I was going to experience next. He slide the tip of the purple dildo in me by pushing in and pulling out and then pushing in a little further and pulling out, he did that until 2 inches were in me good and then he pushed it up all the way filling me and making me gasp and let out a moaning squeal.  He left it there in me and was looking at the site of it and watching me breath deeply.  I think he was letting me get used to it in me. Then he got hold if it again and started to butt fuck me with it,  in and out as fast as he could go putting one hand on my butt and the other pounding away at me.  I was cumming and gushing, moaning and screaming out as I came one right after another, He said ‘ That’s it come on gush for me!”  he just kept on going and taking me beyond where I thought I couldn’t take anymore, he started to slow down fucking me with the dildo, and I thought he was getting ready to take it out of me when he started up again fast and at the same time shoving two fingers into my pussy, pumping me like  a piston, I was screaming and trying to scream into the pillow, my arms were griping the sheets and holding on to them like if they were keeping me from drowning.  I came and had one last long and powerful organism and then he slowed everything down and then stopped.  He pulled the dildo out nice and slow so that I could feel the length of it slipping out and then his fingers but as he pulled them out he brushed my clit with his thumb which made me yell out and lunge forward in an attempt to get away from him from the supper stimuli.  He laughed really loud and he told me that I made him laugh. I was exhausted and totally spent. Lying on the bed having moved up on the bed, I stayed there on my stomach with my head to the side watching him get cleaned up, I love watching a man get ready in the morning, I was dozing on and off with a satisfied glow and smile on my face, I was exhausted and out of it.  He was talking to me but I don’t remember what he said from dozing on and off.

He came back into the room and sat down on the bed.  He reached out to me with his hand and stared to caress my back, and talking about the other things he wanted to try and had interest in, I agreed and responded with a nod or just and “um huh”.  I was trying really hard to hear what he was telling me but I couldn’t concentrate enough to reply with full sentence responses.  Then he told me he had to leave and go get ready for work.  He kissed my lips then my cheek and told me not to get up and I didn’t get up, I couldn’t.  I head the door close I nodded off again for a while…

Then I woke up…

Volunteer…

After thinking about this for a few days, I’ve come to the conclusion that…

I am a volunteer…

A willing participant, I signed up for it all and just like most volunteers, I did it with the best intentions, and hoping for  positive learning’s, a chance to explore, takes some calculated risk, and to bask in the light.. I wanted to learn more about me and others, to experience happiness, to connect and to share joy,  everything was so new, but I didn’t know what I was doing.

Pondering…

Recently someone said this to me, from the outside looking in

“Remember.. no victims.. only volunteers”

So I must take the time and think about it..

That’s How I Know

This past week I had dinner with a good friend of mine from work.  We look totally different but we are sooooo much alike.  There are days when we come in wearing similar cloths and colors, it’s really weird.  Well we were our having our once a month .25 Cent wings at the local bar hang out when, she asked me about how things were going with my social life.  I told her what happened (minus the whole poly, BDSM part) just the basics, I told her about driving to coast and how I felt about J how I just couldn’t take things the way they were and I felt I had to get out, that I couldn’t stop this feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin just change how I was feeling, and as I was talking she stopped me and said “What are you doing girl?  Who are you kidding, you love him.” I do but I never told her.. matter of fact I would deny it to anyone that would ask.  I looked at her and was going to deny it again and then she put her hand up and said “No!  Let me say something.  “You are going through something here, and I know about it, because I went through the same thing too.  Then she said “You’re having a Mid life crisis girlie” and she laughed, as she saw the puzzled expression on my face.  I started asking her questions, one right after another and just as fast she was answering them.  Then she told me the major thing she did when she went through hers.  She told me that she had left her love “N” and took off with this man that was in love with her too and she got married.  :-0  I was shocked and asked her to tell me more about what happened.  Well it was a long story took all through dinner to tell me but the basics are that it was bad, the marriage only lasted 3 months and then she moved out.  She was able to get back with N , he told her he new she wasn’t happy and that he’d forgive her for everything just she needed to get back with him.  They worked on trust and forgiveness and it’s worked, I would have never known that, that happened in there relationship.  She proceeded to tell me because of what’s going on with layoffs at work, how they are treating me, my Mom getting sick, the accident I was in and some of the past BF’s that have contacted me and giving me doubt, well that my stress level is way out of whack!  I told her that if there had been a bridge that went to Hawaii that I would have kept driving.  She was nodding her head as I continued to tell her how I felt and then she asked me how I felt about J and she gave me that look that meant I had to tell the truth, just as I was going to give my normal spill that were good friends with bennies and I then laughed I gave it up, the truth and told her that I loved him and that I always had and still did want him in my life, even if it was just as friends, and then I told her that he didn’t love me and probably hated me at this point.  I told her that I was really scared.   She replied with “YOU HAVE TOO!  You have to do what ever it takes, because I don’t want to see you make the same mistake, letting this go and trying to hook up with someone else, you know you have to follow your gut!  You don’t want any regrets for not having tried; at least if you tried you know you tried!  I nodded and she said one more thing as we hugged and started to walk away “8 years is a long time to know someone these days, at least try and stay friends, I smiled at her and waved good bye.

It’s funny how some friends are so good at reading you and yet others wouldn’t notice or if they did they wouldn’t bother to call you on it.  So since then I’ve been trying, trying to be a better person. It doesn’t excuse me but I’ve tried to explain to J why I did it, why I thought the way I did, and why what’s going on in my life is making things difficult for me.., and that I was influenced by people other than him and that I shouldn’t have listened to them.  But mostly I’ve been trying to tell him how I feel about him, before I lose the opportunity all together.

This is what I told him on IM after he told me that it makes him scared to what I’d do next.

There are men that now know I’m not with you or seeing you and they are coming on strong but still I put them off.. I’m only showing online to you.. and I know that’s my choice but I can’t help that.. I’m NOT ready to move on and I don’t want another probably for a long time..

I’ve never done anything that would make you think I would act out crazy.. I’ve never tired to contact T, I’ve even avoided her and all that drama, I’ve never drove by your house or staked you, I’ve never tried to control who you sleep with or have sex with or love.  I haven’t done those things because to me they are not what love is about..

You loved A so I wanted to love her too, even though I thought she’d hurt you I wanted for you what you wanted to have… I wanted to see you happy…

I have ALWAYS tied to be accepting of things.. and to be opened minded… I’ve tried to do what you told me to do with the exception that happened with T. I didn’t want any part of that.. but mostly I’ve just tired to show you that I love you…

To me.. love is a one way road going out… it’s nice if it comes back but it’s nicer to give it, it’s a gift to that person you love…

So I’m sorry if you are scared of what I might do.. but don’t judge my love against the people that you have loved.. I’m not them..

So it is up to you if you want to accept my love or not.. it doesn’t matter to me it will be there for you anyways and always. Whether you see me or you don’t, I’ll always want the best life you can have for you and I always hope you’re happy and living in joy…

I was so surprised how easy the thoughts in my heart went to my fingers and I was able to express them in words just as I felt them.  He responded with a lighthearted comment that lightened the conversation considerably with humor and wit, I laughed and smiled because that’s another thing I love about him, he knows just when to turn a serous mood around to fun and laughter.  It brought hope to my heart.  Though there were things that I didn’t write that I wanted too, some of those were things that I’ve told him before about him and why it is that I care so much for him.  How I don’t and wouldn’t ever want to change him, to make him accepted in my life as I’ve seen others try to do.  I don’t know what’s going to happened next, it may very well be nothing, and I’m so scared not knowing.

He once asked me how I knew I loved him and I couldn’t answer him, I know the reasons why and I’ve told him, but the why I know is harder to express and when I tried the words wouldn’t come out…how do I describe this feeling?  I just know I have it.  Recently, about a month ago I had to buy a power strip for my new TV and he met me at the local electronics store to help me pick one out.  I was looking at them and watching out for him.. Checking the door, I wanted to see him first, we were in public and I wanting to control being surprised by him,  lol he surprised me, I don’t know how I didn’t see him come in but he came around to where I was and when I saw him my heart skipped a beat then raced faster and I smiled at the same time.   I got flustered and tried to say something right away so that he wouldn’t see it, so that he won’t see my body’s reaction to me seeing him. He started to talk to me and well I know I wasn’t paying attention, I’ve done this before, it’s not due to lack of attention or that I don’t listen, but it’s because I get engrossed in listening to him and watching him that what he’s actually saying is going right past me.  Sometimes I’ll respond as in trying to have a normal conversation, a few times he’s told me that I’m not listing…its like those that drive while talking on there cell, very few can do it, talk and drive at the same time with out it affecting there driving, most go too slow and some are careless.  When I see him it’s like that for me, it’s hard for me to separate it or concentrate when I first see him and when I get a response from him like a smile, a look or a touch then it just sends me over the edge….  That’s how I know..

Taking it…

I don’t know why we couldn’t have just been friends all these past months, nor do I know why I had to classify us in to that group, as that’s what we were anyways.  Friends that didn’t have sex or sexual contact,  but I know that not having sex and wanting to was driving me nuts, not doing the D/s thing was also getting to me and hurting my soul.  It was a frustration that I’ve never felt before.  When I was married, in my sexless marriage though it was frustrating it wasn’t like this, which was more of needing a release and not like this was with J, and it had gone way past craving.  This was more of wanting and needing to connect with him, this way, in a way we’d always been able to connect, we may not have had much else at times but that sexual physical connection I thought we had and always would, we had it for 8 years.  Perhaps that’s what happened he lost that for me; though when he said he didn’t and that he loved to have sex with me it was really hard to hear!  On one hand I was so glad to know that but on the other all I wanted to do was scream out “Well Here I AM!! TAKE me Now!!”  But I didn’t.  I was afraid of the rejection, and deep down I knew he wouldn’t.

I do know of the complexities of what was going on in his life but this was torture to me.  More than once during the last couple of months when he was over watching movies did I have to get up to go to the bathroom to pretend to pee when really I was drying my eyes and trying to get a hold of myself enough to come back out and really look like things were normal, and concentrate on the movie we had watched or were going to watch next.

I just wanted the torture to end, the teasing to stop, and so it has, I no longer have that feeling of going out of my mind with aguish for not being touched, spanked or used.  It’s more of a sadness that I’ve lost a good friend.  I never thought I’d say this but really not being used has got to be the worst feeling ever.  Funny how when I first started this I was afraid of being used, even made a comment to lc about it and laughingly she told me that’s the whole point of being a sub.. hehehe I’m sure she even rolled her eyes at me for being such a silly girl.  I hadn’t gotten it yet, the idea of what a sub is and how she lives her life.  So now I’ve got it, I understand but now what.  What do I do with this knowledge?  I guess I wait,  everyone tells me that there are plenty of Dom’s out there that would love to have my gift and even a few Dom’s have said that to me.  But for now I think I’ll just stay away from a D/s relationship but work on becoming friends first with some of these men that are vying for my attention.  Taking it slow and cautiously will work for me….

Thinking Positive!

Ok enough is enough, I’m going to start to make this Blog of mine just one of positive thoughts, I see how one negative thought leads to another and then another then it spirals.  I’ve known this but for some reason I sometimes forget. I’ve been blessed with thinking good thoughts and being grateful for all that I have and good has always come my way, I’m one of those blessed people. I don’t assume that this my dedication in again to positive thought will change the past few weeks but I will try to make things work. Going forward things will change and get better. In reading the following and writing it here I hope to keep all this in mind.

“We are sending out thoughts of greater or less intensity all the time,

and we are reaping the results of such thoughts.  Not only do our

thought-waves influence ourselves and others but they have a drawing

power – they attract to us the thoughts of others, things, circumstances,

people, ‘luck,’ in accord with the character of the thought uppermost in

our minds.”

William Walker Atkinson (1862 – 1932)

Life is mirroring back to me what I am holding inside me inside my heart.  So in changing my thoughts it will change my life.

Missing

This is not the first posting since I hit the 2000 hits on my blog but it is the First that I’ve published.  I’ve writing so much and had so many jumbled thoughts and feelings that for the first time in a long time I just couldn’t get it right or out on paper.  The last 4 post never made it to being published so that you could see them, and I think that’s for the best.

 

Now that I’m away on holiday with family and Friends and having a fun time my mind is at ease.  Sitting in front of the Christmas tree with a pen and paper on one hand and some hot tea on the other, my thoughts are clearing and falling into place.  

 

I’m really excited that I hit the 2000 mark on hits for my Blog, it’s hard for me to believe that it’s been viewed that many times.  I thank each and every one of you for continuing to come back to read about me and to check to see how I’m coming along.  

 

So with that I’ll tell you that on the job front things aren’t any better, my job is still going away by the end of September. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan’s Character in the movie  ”You’ve Got Mail!” Where’s she is loosing her Business (her Job) and can’t do anything to stop it.  Like her I’m trying hard not to take it personally, it’s due to business need.  It’s this economy, I keep telling my self but that doesn’t really change things.  It makes me sad because it’s about my life, health, comfort and little bit of self worth is in there too.  So I’m trying, trying to look for another job within the same company and trying to go on and continue to do my job while I keep the planning of my other options going, plans B, C, D & F.  Plan A is already come and gone. 

 

I’ve had the realization that sometime when you try and control the out come of a situation that the more you try the more it slips away because sometimes that’s the way its supposed to go, like it or not, accepting it or not.  

 

With that said, it’s no wonder that things went the way they did with J.  The more I wanted, desired him as my Dom the more he slipped away.  Yeah he’s been going through some things too, but I know I didn’t help matters.  It was so hard to try and step back to see the whole picture. Of course I still desire him and want him as my Dom and I think I always will, maybe it’s the being firs thing, but Want doesn’t equal Get.  It may seem like to you that I don’t talk or see him but I do at least once a week.  We’ve gone to being friends again for now and I’m ok with that since I’ve always enjoyed his company and I’m comfortable with him.  

 

Since this is the eve of New Years Eve, I’m a bit reflective on the past year.  They say you should be able to tell where you are going by where you’ve been, but I’m not sure about that just yet. Guess time will tell, but this posting is a summary of how things went for me in regards to what this blog is about and that’s just what I had at the top of my page about “My Journey to becoming a sub”.

 

This past year didn’t turn out at all like I thought it should or to what I expected.  In my journey to becoming a sub it wasn’t at all like some of the stories, profiles or blogs that I read.  My expectations didn’t mirror anyone else nor did my feelings, and as it turns out I wasn’t anyone sub nor did I ever have a Dom.  I did agree to a contract of sorts, be it through email, that too quickly fell to the way side.  My training and the Mentorship of my subness faded.  I’ve recently doubted my ability to be a sub, I’ve wondered do I have any of the traits?  Was I a bad sub?  Perhaps the sorting hat put me in the wrong category. He’s told me that I’m for sure a sub I still wonder.  

 

I’m still so curious, I have so many questions still, maybe even more than before now that I have a little more of a clue than when I first started.  My natural instinct is to ask him but I hold back, A LOT!  Some times I feel like a 2 year old asking too many questions. I don’t want to bug him or bring up things that he’s not ready to deal with on the subject or with me.  So much so that I’ve put my profile back on the CM site and have expressed my need for knowledge.  I’ve gotten all positive and open responses to being open to answer questions that I may have.  I’ve told him about me reactivating my profile on there.  I don’t ever want for him to feel pressured by me thought I probably have done that to some extent in the past as well.  I’m really trying to hold back.  That’s the appropriate behavior of a sub after all.  

 

I have to keep it together, because if I were to let go in addition to all my questions, I’d also be attacking him sexually when he’s over at my house.  He has no idea of the thoughts I’ve had gazing at the top of his head while he’s in my arms resting his head on my breast while we watch a movie or two together.  I’ve had to keep my hand and arms from diving into his shirts.  I’ve missed things that are going on in the movie we’re watching because of my wondering mind and holding back my wondering hands.  I keep telling my self that reaching and grabbing and wanting like I do is not appropriate behavior for a sub even if she’s a slut sub.  That pretty much stops me, that and the thought of him firmly removing my hands from inside his shirt and off his naked chest.  I couldn’t handle that rejection, so I try again to focus on the movie and calm my desires to touching his skin and to be happy and content that he’s resting comfortably in my arms.

 

Though my experiences this last year weren’t what I expected, I still appreciate him being in my life, for who he is, what he’s given me but mostly what we’ve shared. He’s opened my eyes and my heart when both were closed for too long.  His understanding and patience are like no other and I thank him for introducing me to this lifestyle.  It’s enriched me and brought me down another path in the Road less traveled.  

 

I miss him dearly…

 

I miss him the Dom in him even when he’s with me.

I miss making him lunch

I miss most of all the thrill and excitement of him surprising me.

I miss his voice telling me why he’s spanking me

I miss feeling the skin of his thighs on the back of mine then feeling him get hard.

I miss him correcting me right away when I was bratty

I miss knowing that he could find anything he needed in the house to tie me up and to spank me with.

I miss him trying new things like when he tried fresh Ginger root on me and got my butt to wiggle.

I miss hearing unrecognizable screams coming from my own mouth

I miss him giving me tasks

I miss him reading my journal then writing in it to me.

I miss him texting me about everything and anything.

I miss him keeping track of the things I needed to be punished for even though I had it written in my journal.

I miss feeling vulnerable with him who I trust.

I miss him taking me.

I miss knowing that he wanted me.

 

Hope Everyone Has a Safe and Happy New Year!!!

I want a dog…

I know I was going to close down this site and I still will but I’ve been reading a book that has really seemed to help me put some things in perspective, and re-teaching me some things that I know but have forgotten.  I have here some paragraphs that are summarized from this book; maybe it will help you too.

Well the way you relate with a person will be exactly the way you relate with a Dog.  A dog is a dog.  It doesn’t matter what you do it’s going to be dog. You’re not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse: it is what it is.  Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important.  You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t.  You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact.  They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance.  You need to be completely honest with yourself…….. to say what you want and see if you are willing to dance or not.  You must understand this point, because it is very important.  When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.  The one who loves you loves you just the way you are.  Because if someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants.  Then why is she with you?    You know it’s easy to love your dog because your dog doesn’t have opinions about you.  The dog loves you unconditionally.  This is important.  Then if your partner loves you just the way you are, it’s just like the dog loves you.  You can be yourself with your partner:  you can be a man or you can be a woman just way the dog can be a dog with you.

When you meet a person, just after the “hello” he starts sending you information right away.  He can hardly wait to share his dream with you.  He opens himself even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it.  It’s is so easy for you to see every person just the way she is.  You don’t need to lie to yourself.  You can see what it is you are buying and you either want it or you don’t.  But you can’t blame the other person for being a Dog or a cat or a horse. If you want a cat why would you get a horse or a chicken?

You know the kind of man or woman that you want?  The one who makes your heart sing the one who is aligned with the way you are, the one who loves you just as you are.  Why set yourself up for something else?  Why not get what you want?  Why pretend to make someone fit what she is not?  It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It means you make a choice and say yes or no, because you love yourself also.  You make a choice, and you are responsible for your choices.  Then if your choices are not working well, you don’t blame yourself.  You simply make another choice.

But let’s imagine that you get a dog and you love cats.  You want your dog to behave like a cat, and you try to change the dog because it never says, “Meow.”  What are you doing with a dog?  Get a cat!  This is the only way to begin a great relationship.  First you have to know what you want, how you want it, when you want it.  You have to know exactly what the needs of your body are, what the needs of your mind are and what fits well with you.

There are millions of men and woman, and each one is unique.  Some will make a good match for you and some won’t make a good match at all.  You can love everyone:  but to deal with a person on an everyday basis, you will need someone more closely aligned to you.  That person doesn’t need to be exactly like you:  the two of you only need to be like a key in the lock— a match that works.  You need to be honest with yourself, and honest with everyone else.  Project what you feel you really are, and don’t pretend to be what you are not.  It’s as if you are in a market: you are going to sell yourself, and you are also going to buy.  In order to buy, you want to see the quality of what you are going to get.  But in order to sell, you need to show others what you are.  It isn’t about being better or worse than someone else: it’s about being what you are.

Don’t invent in people what is not there.  This is the message.  If you know what you want, you will find it is just like your relationship with your dog, but better.

See what is in front of you:  Don’t be blind or pretend to see what is not there.  Don’t deny what you see just to get the merchandise when that merchandise will not fit your needs.  When you buy something you don’t need it ends up in the garage.  It’s the same in a relationship.  Of course it can take years for us to learn this painful lesion, but this is a good beginning.  If you make a good beginning, the rest is going to be easier because you can be yourself.

It goes on to say much more but this part is the part I needed to read/hear, as I start anew, with open mind and heart.  There are so many possibilities; I’m excited to start a new life with changes at work and in my personal life.  I hope this helps others as well.

In Closing…..

I’m sorry for having to turn off my blog.

I almost made it to 2000 hits before deleting it  

I know I’ve lost most my readers but I’ve closed this blog because I was asked to turn it off for a period of time.  In thinking about it, I realize that after being asked to do that, that the reason to have the blog is gone and pointless as my journey was a short one just less than a year, so much has changed.   I’ll start up a new one soon, it won’t be the same and that might be a good thing, time will tell.   If you would still like to read what I have to say please make a comment to this post and I’ll respond to it, to your email with the new link.

Thanks for reading,

Glow

Quod me nutrit me destruit ~~What nourishes me destroys me

Uncertainty

Some times a person finds their life is being turned on the Wheel of future, being on this wheel is different then being on the Fork in the Road, that path is one you pick, right  or wrong it’s your choice which gives you a sense that you  had control over the outcome .  This is where I’m at now, on the wheel not the fork in regards to work.  There is a large effort to cut heads in our department and move some of us to another that’s lacking, more of a rebalancing than cutting for now. I didn’t have to  but I went for it, I don’t know if I’ll get picked up or  not but at least I went for it.  If I get it it is a more secure job, more technical and I’m totally not qualified for it,  though I’m not afraid of it and I do think I can do the job.  I’m concerned with what happens if I don’t get picked, do I get forced into another job that I don’t want nor would like to try, do I wait  and go another year into a thankless job, or get laid off with the way the economy is going the future is uncertain either way.  I am centered and I’m in the center of this wheel, wich means I’ll hardly move at all and I will go with, and be fine with what comes my way, but I can not help but to be anxious about what’s going on.  Change I love, uncertainty of this change that may happen I do not.

Now I thought I was doing a good job of controling my stress but my feelings of uncertainty are coming out in my behavior and words that I’m having with J.  My uncertainty about my job and future has entered in to my relationship with J, and I can’t seam to help it as hard as I try.  A few days ago I tried not to jump to conclusions; I know he hates assumptions so I thought I’d ask him some open and blunt questions.  He didn’t like them, well the way I phrased it and my impatientness got him instantly angry with me, though I tried to explain it just made things worse like it most always dose.  I wish I had never asked him.  I was feeling bad because he told me about the fetish ball he was going to with a friend; he told me he was taking off work for it when I asked about the night it was scheduled for.  It hurt my feelings because I had asked him to a vanilla party the same night and he told me he had to work, but the thing that got to me the most was when I reminded him about asking him to that party, he said that was already planned before, but he forgot that he started his sentence off with “I was just asked to go to the fetish ball but I’m not sure I even want to go”   But he must want to go because he’s taking off work for it, and he hardly takes off from work at all. Now I ask you is this an assumption or an educated guess due to the information I have that he’s really wanting to go?   If a person doesn’t want to go then just don’t go.  I’m trying hard not to take it personally, I hate it when I get sensitive about things like that, that in the end don’t really matter.

Earlier online when I was asking him questions he asked if I’d been approached as in by other men and going out and that he was free to see who he wanted as I was.  I know this about him but this was such a change from a few weeks earlier when he seemed to have gotten testy with me for talking with and going on a date with another man, and talking with and making plans to meet this one Dom. He asked me what it was I wanted and I told him again that I just wanted him, and then he told me that I wasn’t acting like I did, he was right, so I stopped chatting with the Dom and stopped making plans to date the other man.  I’m just confused about that, as I’m getting mixed messages, or perhaps things are changing that much.  It was a drastic change in attitude; this is what got to me, and kind of got me sad as well.  Am I misunderstanding that this is a sign that he can care less what I do?  Or that this is one in the many hints that I’m not his, not his sub,  or not anyone that he would want to keep for himself even if it was wrong to do so.  Well that’s why I asked him, I asked for clarification, in this time of uncertainty about my job, I just want some things to be clear in my personal life.

I always seek to understand that’s why I always ask so many questions not just to him but to others and all my friends.  I truly want to know even if it hurts or isn’t what I want to hear.  J isn’t the only one I ask for clairifcation from,  the last time I asked for some serious clarification, was from K, aka Blonde.  J never  did ask me about that lunch after I told him that K was married and that I wouldn’t see him socially since he was married.  After hearing that he was married I decided to ask K him myself.  So I asked him if he was married when we were having lunch together, it was right before he was secheduled to go on sabbatical, he was very honest and said yes which I knew as I had found out, but that day K also told me that they were going to separate and see how that would help them work through their problems, or that it might just show them that they needed to be legally separated. I don’t know what happened as K went on a Sabbatical for a few months and has been gone from work and I have not found out what’s going on but I did wish him the best on what ever happens.  Strange thing is now that this is happening with my job; the Area that I’m trying to get into is the same area where K works now or will when he gets back from sabbatical.  I started out in this same area years ago so that’s the reason I want to go back I know the job, the tools, process and people. I just need to be updated by learning the new stuff.  I am wondering now if I get that job I’m going for if it’s one that I’ll be taking over for K as he moves on to  his out of state assignment.  I suppose that  all things are in motion for change for me, job, work, home and perhaps relationships too. Though I’m concerned about my job and the work I do, I’m wondering more about my relationship with J.   I’m going to be open and positive about it all, I’ll have to see where that marker on the wheel lands after all life should be an adventure! :-)